AC Malvern

End of an era

2011-09-23T12:52:00.003+10:00

Season 2011 is behind us and will now be forgotten.

This is my last blog entry here. So, to those who have read over the last couple of years, thanks for you support and I hopE you enjoyed it.

My time will be spent on my new venture; LAID Cycling which can be found here:
http://laidcycling.blogspot.com/

--END OF BLOG --

Six seconds from glory

2011-09-02T16:15:00.002+10:00

Not a lot usually happens in six seconds, but that was all that stood in the way of a flashy Malvern notching its second win for the season. Instead the lads had to settle for a draw against the mouthy kids from Beaumaris.

In near perfect conditions and with a bench fuller than we have ever seen it (despite losing Mark in the warm up), the boys from Malvern lined up against a team that smashed them beyond recognition earlier in the season. This time would be different; confidence was growing and things were finally clicking; playing a passing game to rival any. Better late than never, but with the transient nature of the team and no training it’s hard to expect more.

The first five minutes were critical in establishing the tempo and ascendancy, especially against “generation next” who aren’t too interested in working for anything. AC did exactly that, moving the ball around and building attacks from the back. The science of football was evident and AC worked out that the ball moves faster from a pass than it would with a player carrying it. Another benefit was the reduced risk of having the ball stolen from the player.

As the game progressed an infrequent spectator was heard saying “they look like a different team, I’m actually enjoying the spectacle.” It was true and after starting back in January with pre-season the boys had finally started to put on a show a mere eight months later.

Possession was well in favour of Malvern, but like most weeks they lacked enough venom in their attack to find the net. Corners came and went, but they just lacked the panache to finish it off. In stepped the less pasty lanky Irish lad, Colin who got himself in the right spot. The ball came into the box and he managed to get his bobbling bonce onto the ball scoring his first for the year and AC’s first for five weeks.

AC was like a runaway train as their confidence grew until the moment when things went a little wrong. A routine goal kick by the resident shot stopper took a little longer than the allocated six seconds and the referee decided Tim was being selfish and should share. The gift was a free kick to the opposition on the edge of the box for the time infringement.

The wall was set and the young lad stepped up and banged the ball into the back of Pricey’s head before finding its way past a diving Tim. A deflating sigh could be heard for mile around as the harsh reality was that Beaumaris was back in the game.

What followed was a made for TV event as the two teams battled it out in a very entertaining affair with neither getting a major advantage. AC looked the most likely to score a second, but the gods wouldn’t allow it letting them settle for hitting the woodwork. Beaumaris weren’t without their chances, but some brilliant work and goal line saves by Will they maintained the level scoreline for the day.

The game finished 1-1 and it seems that AC has hit some rare form heading into the McRopod Cup. The big questions are; can they shut down the Danish King Lars? Can they find an avenue to goal? and will they lift for Coach Dennis’ last ever game as manager?

AC Malvern 1 - 1 Beaumaris
Brien

Best in show: Steve Cresswell
WAG’s player of the match: Will

Without honour we just have a loss.....

2011-08-19T14:17:00.002+10:00

Honourable loss; if you Google it you get a polarised view on the topic. “No such thing as an honourable loss: Selwood”, “Honourable loss not an option: Goodes” or “Ballarat prides honourable loss to league heavyweight”. Whichever way you look at it half full or half empty 2011 is the season of honour and the season of loss for AC.

The word honour, from the Latin word honos, has many meanings which could be used in all manner of ways, but for AC I think the best definition I could find was “to show courteous behaviour to.” So when I say that this Sunday AC had another honourable loss to Old Xav’s it means they got pants whilst being courteous and respectful.

Before I go on with the match details another over used phrase this year is “depleted list”. It’s a phrase that keeps rolling out every week recently without a sense of context. For the uninformed AC started off with a very prosperous and promising preseason; however since then they have slid the slippery slopes to the point of begging for mercy from the injury Gods.

Before the first kick off tragedy struck with Dennis forced to retire with neck issues and Coulter being ruled out for the season with the same injury that crippled Beckham’s and possibly England’s World Cup hopes. These are both losses you can cover, but since then AC have lost the following: Eddie (season - knee and job in the UK), Adam (season - deported), Damo (five weeks – knee), Pinkney (many weeks – back and now ankle), Mario (three weeks – foot) and Jay (four weeks – groin then ankle although he managed to ski). It has been a terrible year that has been reflected on the scoreboard with a lot of “honourable losses” and a single gutsy hard fought win.

Today’s game was going to be one of the toughest of the season with Old Xav’s occupying the top few spots all year and really putting some teams to the sword in the process.

A strategy of stem the flow, then build from there was adopted as the boys rolled out with a 4-1-4-1 formation. The early signs were good as AC managed to curtail the speed of the OX’s strikers by shutting down the space, especially for the dangerous bald #57. AC looked composed and managed to maintain possession, even thrusting forward to create some chances for Marty and Garriet.

As the game progressed one thing became evident; there was no single source of brilliance or no Hollywood passes. This was a balanced affair with everyone contributing and supporting their team mates. It was brilliant to watch and AC was in the game and starting to worry the boys of privilege from Kew who started turning on the ref and themselves. A 0-0 result of half time was looking good.........until.......

A momentary lapse in concentration and OX’s do what good teams do, they punish you. Punishment came in the form of a goal a bitterly disappointing result given the outstanding effort in the first 45.

The second half was a blur of much the same; concentrated effort, momentary lapses in concentration and a sprinkling of injury to add some spice. Old Xav’s managed to slot home three more goals on the back of two more momentary lapses and a third from an awkward tackle from Captain Cresswell which resulted in a penalty. Tim managed to go the right way and almost save, but it wasn’t our day.

In a quest to further deplete the list AC suffered two more injuries as Matty Pinkney who was playing out of his skin, copped a harsh challenge resulting in the ballooning of his ankle in front of the adoring Xavs fans. Matt is expected to be out for a couple of weeks. Then not long after, Pete hit the deck with a hamstring strain and was out for the rest of the game. In summary, another honourable 4-0 loss for the boys from Malvern.

I ask that all readers of this blog say a prayer, beg or do whatever you do to help us get through the rest of the season unscathed and set ourselves up for a prosperous season 2012 in division 4.

Three games remain in 2011 with the pick of the fixtures being the McRopod Cup on 4 September at the Stadium of SHite. AC still has one last chance to get something out of the year, presuming they can stop Lars the Danish goal scoring king.

AC Malvern 0 – 4 Old Xavs

Best in show: Steve Cresswell (despite the penalty)
WAGS player of the match: Matt Pinkney

Normal service resumed

2011-08-12T16:29:00.004+10:00

The lengthy writers ban has been lifted by the Global Association of Bloggers or GAB as they are commonly know. Demands on performance improvements and commitment from the “athletes” on the field have now met the minimum standard required to justify comment.
Bloggers were relieved after lifting the ban to see an epic battle unfold, although no one would take the points at Central Park on Sunday.

AC headed into the game with an out list matching the size of those available. Never the less they lined up with the many from the squad who took it to Old Melbournain’s a week earlier. The rampaging giant lunged John was back and Derk was there to continue his midfield dominance.

Another demanding speech pre- game from Dennis may have been just the ticket as AC took the game to Old Camberwell. Derk’s composure on the ball allowed for some great delivery to Marty and Garriet who were intent on causing havoc. Unprecedented early game chances presented themselves and the strike force put the OC’s keeper on notice.

Captain Cresswell has turned his game around since the events pre match last weekend. Today, he led from the front.....actually the back. Steve and Rich co-ordinated the defence, snuffing out attacks at will. Steve ran like never before which allowed Owen to briefly venture up forward to create a chance only to find the cross bar.

The OC’s attack came thick and fast after that, but Pricey this time was on hand to quell the repeated threats. Having the game of his season Pricey owned right back and anyone who dared to venture near.

With defence covered it came to Malvern to make the most of their chances when presented and to create more. “Shoot on sight” was the clear instructions of Coach Dennis which was a little harder than it seemed.

The ball seems to move with ease from the back to the front with Derk, John and Wade imposing themselves on the game. As confidence grew, so too did the number of shots. Marty and Garriet started worrying the keeper with a few flying just wide.

The turning point for Malvern came when the number 4 of OC decided to give Steve a smack in the back of the head during a stoppage. Steve, ordinarily would have knocked him out, but the new Steve used a few words and moved on.....Unfortunately the words weren’t very friendly and the young ref showed both players a red card. This stopped the attacking momentum for a while as the clock started to run down. A reshuffle moved Pete down back to cover the gap and Garriet was sacrificed removing one scoring option.

AC were holding tight and the game was fading to a drawn result. Five minutes remained in the game when an onslaught from the boys in red and black found Marty and Wade repeatedly with scoring chances. Marty came closest of the two flying agonisingly close to the corner, but without luck inside the last minute.

The game ended 0-0 and AC remain on the bottom staring down the barrel of relegation. The renewed Malvern will not go down without a fight as they stand committed and motivated for the remainder of the season. The McRopod Cup is only around the corner which remains the only chance for glory in 2011.

AC Malvern 0 - 0 Old Camberwell

Best in Show: Wade
WAG's player: John
Ashman Lush player that counts:Pricey

2011 EOS celebration

2011-08-01T09:14:00.003+10:00

More agony without the ecstasy....

2011-07-28T16:42:00.007+10:00

No match report prepared.

AC Malvern 0 - 7 Other guys
Best in show: Mike
WAG's player of thew match: Garriet Tucker
Lung buster award: John

Season 2011 is very much looking like this, and that'sbefore kick off:

The god (of Thunder) has spoken

2011-07-20T13:17:00.003+10:00

AC Malvern was suffering from brontophobia as they let Dandenong away with a “narrow” victory on Sunday.

Darkness descended in Melbourne’s outer south east on a day that many would have been better to have stayed in bed. The signs were ominous; a huge pitch, no match record book, Pricey still drunk and of course the world’s favourite ref to officiate. AC should have seen the writing on the wall, but maybe they were too busy scrambling to find player registration numbers to see said wall.

The late kick off was made even later by the inept referees poor ability of time keeping skills. The battle was now on to beat the failing light and ironically the fast approaching storm – no doubt laden with plenty of thunder.

AC rolled out yet another makeshift squad this week and played some good football for the first eight minutes with some great moves down the left through Colin and Wade before a catastrophic implosion, aptly led by Captain Cresswell. Surely the words of Mario were still ringing in the ears of the players “encourage each other, don’t have a go if someone stuffs up”.....clearly not as Steve tore into the left sided players. Within a minute of the Cresswell led eruption the Thunder had slotted home two quick goals and the rot began.

Without dissecting the rest of the match in too much detail AC was outclassed by a better opposition whose speed caused no end of trouble. AC were never in the game with the boys struggling to string passes together and constantly outplayed by the deceptively quick Thunder. Somewhere amongst the mire Terry was able to score a much needed goal and Wade too had a brilliant opportunity, but forgot to pull the trigger.

At times AC were like watching Bennie Hill chasing nurses through the park; running in circles but getting nowhere. Frustration was building and infighting mounting and our friend the ref was only fuelling the fire. Yellow cards were once again handed out at will for minor verbal indiscretions whilst ferocious tackles went without penalty. He truly is a confusing and sad man, but that comes as no surprise as I’m told his day time job is security guard at Kitten’s in South Melbourne – all class.

A short blog for what is the worst defeat in AC Malvern history. The season is now gone and relegation looks inevitable, but the question remains – what can Malvern salvage from the wreck? Pride, the McRopod Cup and maybe a couple of points. Who knows, but the coaching staff must now look to the future and development of the list for season 2012.

AC Malvern 1 - 10 Dandenong Thunder
Unitt

Best in show: Colin Brien
WAG's player of the match: Wade
Worst display of teamsmanship: Steve Cresswell

The Yarra flows on

2011-07-13T13:31:00.002+10:00

The flood gates didn’t quiet open, but South Yarra managed to sneak four past Malvern to take the points last week.

This match was met with much fear and trepidation. It marked the firsts of the return legs and offered the boys from Malvern a yard stick on their progress from the season opener. The wounds were still raw from the season opener with the power of the Yarra too much as they flooded the back of the net eight times. It was hopefully the low water mark for AC as since then they have pieced together their shattered confidence match by match.

Such an important game requires a strong squad, but AC was certainly lacking with an all star team watching from the sideline. The biggest impact injury was the loss of Tim in goals who ran the marathon quicker than the time it took him to walk from his car to the sidelines. Thankfully for AC the more than handy Captain Cresswell put his hand up to tend goals for the afternoon.

Derk Diggler returned from his sojourn to the homeland to line up in the midfield for the added Dutch flare and pint sized left winger Wade was called into the squad to help Garriet look tall.
Pre match challenges aside the lads from AC held their own in the early period of play. They key was stifling the Yarra midfield who last time ran rampant. This however only solved part of the problem as

AC was unable to get any forward supply to their underemployed strikers.
Confidence of a reasonable result was building before the might of Yarra, or Backpackers United flexed its muscle. A beautiful piece of work resulted in their right winger unleashing a thunderbolt from outside the box. Like a shot from the gun it rocketed past Steve through the smallest of gaps and into the net. A timely reminder of what they can do with only half a chance.

Midfield control was shifting away from the red and black. AC weren’t winning any contested ball and the smallest man on the pitch, Garriet looked the only one willing to have ago. Not deterred by their obvious size advantage Garriet put himself and his body in every contest and like David did to Goliath the little man was winning against the odds. Unfortunately, despite his efforts, he lacked the support required and Yarra would inevitably win the next contest, before pushing forward.

The Malvern defence would be excused if the put in a repetitive strain injury claim as I think 80
percent of the play has been lumped on them this year. Fatigue is inevitably going to take its toll and Yarra would take advantage of the weakening adversary slotting home another.

The second half led to an inspired Malvern and more attacking football. Understanding that they lacked control in the midfield the boys used the wings. Find of the day, Wade was dancing his way past defenders and creating half chances. With a little match fitness he could find a home there on the wing putting pressure on the out of form Jones.

Coach Dennis opted for one striker, pushing Terry back into the centre of the midfield which started to even the balance. From the sidelines it was the best football Malvern had played against a quality opposition. Yarra were worried for the smallest measure of time. Malvern were now structurally sound, but continuing pressure meant they lacked the fitness to keep up with the precise balls from the foot of Yarra’s “Scouser” and Co.

Steve played more than his part making some spectacular saves to keep the score at two nil; however Yarra working off the premise of the more shots you take the more chance of scoring, kept smashing them at Steve finally sneaking one past. Sensing the inevitable defeat and sore back Steve moved into the outfield and Mario stepped in for keeper’s duties for the remainder of the game.

Yarra would round out the match scoring a fourth ensuring that AC were only half as bad as the start of the season.

A few timely quotes and sage advice from Michael Jordan may provide inspiration as the team attempts to move forward.
“You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take”
“I’m not out there sweating just to find out what it’s like to sweat”
“I can accept failure, everyone fails at something, but I can’t accept not trying"

AC Malvern 0 - 4 UK Old Boys

Best in show:Garriet Tucker
WAG's player of the match: Steve Cresswell
Ashman Lush player that counts: Rich Owen

Come from behind squared

2011-06-30T16:15:00.003+10:00

The halfway marker for the season brought about more frowns from the growing fan base as AC battled more than the elements to succumb to the youthful determination of Monash Uni on Sunday.

AC Malvern arrived in the outer south-east, otherwise known as the funnel for Melbourne’s ugliest weather, with the wind blowing a gale and rain threatening. It’s no wonder that the neighbouring stadium, Waverley Park couldn’t attract the big crowds – its bloody freezing out here. The one saving grace for the day was the pristine pitch which plays host to Melbourne Victory’s training sessions.

An early sign of how the day would unfold was the over officious nature in which the referee went about his pre-game address to the team as he barked at Coach Dennis “All team members in the rooms and they’d better be ready when I get there”. Wow, hi how are you!

AC was in search of goals and looked to ‘perennial’ goal sneak Rich Owen to deliver as he lined up at the opposite end of the park than normal. It wasn’t long before this decision would be reversed as Dennis made the switch sending him back help Mario and co to defend in this howling gale.

The ref, preoccupied with everything off the pitch rather than on it did the following: demanded the coaching staff move to the furthest side of the ground, stopped the game to tell all non-players to get outside the arbitrary marked box on the ground deemed to be the match official space and told the freezing players on the sidelines to sit still. All this whilst there was a football match unfolding under his nose. Now there’s a man finger on the pulse and a sense of the real issues. It gets worse, but more of that later as I am distracted from the actual game unfolding.

The game that was unfolding was a great little battle that belied the ladder positions of both teams with AC sitting plum on the bottom and Monash fourth. Despite the wind AC were going toe to toe with their younger opponents although without managing to get a shot away.

Running into the headwind was taking its toll on the players and rotations would be the order of the half to keep legs fresh for the downwind run in the second stanza. Changes are usually a simple affair of exchange, but this ref was intent on continuing his Hitler style reign of proceedings demanding players change precisely at the centreline. Truth be told if he could have, he would have demanded an electronic subs board.

Football, yep football.....The first half highlight came from Monash Uni. A lucky, but intentional shot from just inside the half way line sailed on the wind at rocket speed. Surprised by the attempt, Tim was caught off guard and the ball hit the back of the net.

It was half time and Dan had just arrived to help his brethren out for the remainder of the game after misreading the email which indicated the starting time.

AC decided not to make the four kilometre trek to the rooms, AC braved the wind some more for some sage advice from the leadership group. “We’ve got the wind and Owen up front. Bang the ball in and we should score two or three here”

Malvern went out on the attack, certainly taking advantage of the wind as they peppered the goal mouth with chances. Pricey was a little less interested as he went for a walk, decided to stop and text some people and update his Facebook status before eventually returning to the game. Meanwhile the midfield was fresh thanks to the earlier rotations and was completely dominating proceedings. The rolling partnership of Owen, Matthews and Tucker were causing all sorts of problems up front getting closer to scoring.

An innocuous corner was responsible for AC drawing level when Steve, using his pre-game lesson in physics from a student in the car park used the wind to his advantage. He struck the ball from the corner flag curling it in without touching a player. Scores were level and things were getting interesting.

Twenty minutes in and AC were still dominant when a ball into the box was brought down by the towering Owen only to have AC newbie Garriet get on the end of it and drill home his first goal for the club. AC had hit the front and with the wind at their backs were favourites to go on with it.

Another series of changes upset the team balance and Monash got back on top. Their only real threat was the scorer of the first goal whose thunderous right boot went close many times in the closing stages of the game.

Monash managed to defy the odds, after Tim was crushed and damn near broke his back, banging on the two goals required to come from behind and take the points in a hotly contested affair. AC battled hard and controlled much of the game, but was unlucky on this occasion, walking away with no points and six yellow cards for various ridiculous infractions

AC turn at the half way mark with one win to their name.

AC Malvern 2 - 3 Monash Uni
Cresswell, Tucker

Best in show: Tim Nolan
WAG's Player of the match: Rich Owen
Ashman Lush player that counts: Garriet Tucker
Twits not doing it for the team: Pricey & Dan

The king and his cup.......

2011-06-23T13:38:00.004+10:00

The third instalment of the Mc Ropod cup was another classic with the scoring power of Central Park Rangers proving too much as the eclipsed their co-tenants with a one nil victory on Sunday. The significance of the match was amped up as both teams paid tribute with yellow armbands, to a former player Sean Wight who is currently battling cancer. (http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/afl/demon-great-sean-wight-in-cancer-fight/story-e6frf9jf-1226019890149)

Greeted with a very windy day the focused and on time AC Malvern set about acclimatising to the conditions with an extended warm up. There is uncertainty around whether this was effective in their play, but it certainly confused the opposition who rolled out of bed and onto the pitch.

As always with these battles there is never much between the two teams with the result usually coming down to a single play, missed tackle or freak goal. Mindful of this AC paid full respect to any move going forward from the Rangers; especially those coming from nemesis Lars.

The name Lars means “he who is crowned with laurel”. So I assume this means King? Anyway if it is a King then it’s a very fitting name for the man who is clearly King off the McRopod Cup; scoring three of the four goals in previous battles. Needless to say attention would be paid to this most humble of Swedish men.

The early going had AC ever so slightly ahead in possession and control. The back four was led by Super Mario as he heralded the arrival of the King and his entourage. They ably dealt with any attack, channelling the ball back through the midfield.

AC looked good when they weren’t panicking and using the width. The only downfall today, and with much of the season was their inability to score. Unfortunately through the towering strength of the Rangers back four, namely Neil and Paul, AC were unable to get away a shot.

Just before the half the game started to open up and some fantastic through balls to T-Unitt allowed for hearts to flutter as AC were getting closer to scoring. The heat was on and battle lines were drawn as Terry had several opportunities which included a bruising clash in which neither Terry or Rangers keeper David gave an inch. The laws of physics meant that David came off second best in the clash of bodies, but said post game “I saw it coming so I braced myself for what was a good fair bump”.

Rangers weren’t without their chances as they shot off a 21 gun salute to have Tim make some fantastic saves as he always does. Some luck for AC as the ones Tim couldn’t save were saved by the bar.

A slight change to the AC structure before the half seemed to change the game as dominance shifted to the blue and whites. Control in the midfield was maintained, but attacks were developing from both wings. Fortunately AC held on and would be able to regroup during the break with the score nil all. One could argue it was a fair half time score, but had AC been one up it may have been more fitting for their efforts.

The second half had the large crowd on the edge of their seats – though it could have been the wind that blew them that way. This was truly a classic in every sense with both teams going toe to toe for the ascendancy and a chance to hold aloft the trophy in front of adoring fans.

Malvern were still finding plenty of the ball, but gaps out wide were continuing to open up for the Rangers forwards to play into. Soon enough King Lars arrived on Malvern’s right wing unmarked and as he does so well, duly slotted home the first goal of the game.

A distraught Malvern tried to pick themselves up as they faced the reality of potentially another lost opportunity for silverware.

Coach Dennis consulted the board and realised something had to change. At this point it was better to have lost three nil than to try nothing and accept the one nil result. The undercover goal sneak Rich Owen was thrown forward to match the size of the Rangers backs, setting up a 3-4-3 formation in the hope of getting the two goals required to snatch the trophy.

The last fifteen minutes was test of the fittest as both teams scrambled for chances with both coming close without result.

A fantastic game came to an end with Lars scoring the only goal. His tally is now at four of the five scored in McRopod Cup history.

With Alan (the games sponsor) unable to attend it was left to Coach Dennis to present the trophy to the winning captain, Paul Davies from Rangers. AC are yet to get their names scribed on the trophy and now must look to round 17 in order to exact revenge and release it from the firm grip of Rangers.

It was a fantastic day and importantly both teams wish Sean the best for his battle with cancer.

AC Malvern 0 - 1 Central Park Rangers

Best in show: Tim Nolan
WAGs player of the match: Mario

Shattered......

2011-06-19T16:45:00.002+10:00

iGeneration hand out an iLesson

2011-06-16T09:59:00.003+10:00

AC Malvern was wishing the cloud of ash meant their flight to Beaumaris was cancelled on Sunday after the boys from Beauy took them apart to the tune of five nil.

An over confident Malvern arrived at the ground having already chalked this one down for a win. The flawed application of mathematics and logic had misguided the lads. The logic: AC lost to OX’s 0-1, Rangers lost to OX’s 1-6, Rangers drew with today’s opponents 2-2 therefore AC must be better than Rangers so a win is a certainty. Epic fail number one!

An arrogant swagger out from the rooms and the sight of 24 opponents all under 20 was not enough to keep the ego’s in check. “We’ll just beat them with physical dominance” giggled one player. Epic fail number two.....one must get close in order to apply physical pressure.

From the off AC were in trouble as the Facebook or iGeneration ran them ragged, pulling the makeshift defence from pillar to post as they moved the ball around with speed and accuracy. Even the fittest man in the squad, Pete was struggling to keep up with the pace set.

Beauy’s first breakthrough came via a penalty after fill in Paul used to having Basil by his side fell, but unfortunately for AC he fell the wrong way. The resulting wind blew the slight attacker down and he duly slotted home the first of many for the day.

Chance after chance followed as the mosquito fleet, charged on Red Bull and whatever else the kids have these days, pushed forward with the ball. AC were run off their feet doing what they could, but were relying heavily on Tim to keep them in it. It was like trying to stop the bleeding of a severed artery with a band aid. Looks like you’re doing something, but in reality it’s just a band aid solution (irony).

It was a tough game to watch as a supporter of Malvern, but there was some great football from the Beauy boys; even a bit of show boating crept in. That said there was some standout performances from a few in red and black. Colin didn’t stop running all day and created many chances on the wing despite being battered and usually playing three on one. Tim, bless him, managed to keep the goal tally to a handful with some great work winning many one on one contests and new Malvernite Shane was impressing with his run and efforts.

A dirty day for the club with two penalties and three goals from normal play, but a valuable lesson learnt – no win is guaranteed. “It was the loss we had to have heading into the cup game next week. It might shake the boys up. Also it didn’t help that half the regular team booked holidays on a weekend when we were playing” said club President Mr Malvern.

So now the lads look forward to the most important game of the season; the Central Park derby - Mc Ropod Cup.

AC Malvern 0 - 5 iGenreation

Best in show: Colin
WAG's player of the day: Shane

Mc Ropod Cup preview:
A tough challenge lies ahead for AC Malvern as they have been unable to beat the current cup holders since back in 2006 including all preseason friendlies.

The last four meetings:

AC 0-1 CPR

AC 2-2 CPR (Mc Ropod Cup)

AC 1-2 CPR (Mc Ropod Cup)

AC 1-3 CPR

2011-06-14T19:39:00.001+10:00

Two cans of max and a trickle through the arms

2011-06-10T14:02:00.000+10:00

A stirring effort and display of resistance in front of the season’s biggest crowd wasn’t enough as the table topping Old Xavs took the points with a one nil victory on Sunday.

An early or late morning heart starter, depending on when you arrived, in the form of a tirade of abuse from Coach Dennis. The reason for the red mist of an Irish man; tardiness. The entire Old Xav’s machine had arrived and was switched on ready to go before AC even had half a team and had the nets up.

Once players got the message and got moving, the warm up commenced, but only in a fashion that would further infuriate the manager. A simple drill, general apathy and disinterest launched another rocket up the collective arse of all and sundry. The message was clear, continue with this attitude and a repeat of the season opener and Old Xav’s will walk over AC eight nil or worse.

AC management took a huge risk by choosing to leave the season’s stars; Captain Cresswell and Colin on the bench for the kick off especially with fellow stars Jones and Debortolo out. This move would go to prove that no spot is guaranteed, it is earned at AC Malvern.

The high pitch warble of Dennis seemed to have the desired effect as AC managed to take it to the highly fancied OX’s early on. The introduction of The Hague’s finest in Derk complemented Jay in the middle and with Super Mario squashing attacks like they were mushrooms things were looking good.

An early setback as Garriet went down injured and it was thought an Ambulance may be needed as he was chaired off the pitch. Some quick thinking from the watching fans and an understanding of medical healing far greater than any doctor produced the perfect antidote. It seems that for any potential career ending knee knack that all is required is two cans of Pepsi Max on the affected area and “Bob’s your uncle”. Within minutes Garriet was up and about and ready to take on the world. Look out for this revelation in upcoming medical journals.

Now I won’t say that AC were an equal in terms of ability and the ladder was a reflection of that, but AC were playing out of their skin in an attempt to contain their fancied opponents. Red and black attacks were rare in the first half, but the focus and defensive mindedness was keeping the boat afloat.

OX’s had a few chances from range with the closest hitting the cross bar and shooting straight down. Luckily for AC the ref judged that the ball had not crossed the line and the score remained nil nil at the half.

The second half was a parade of pretty much the same although this time AC had fashioned a few more chances with Owen getting the closest late on. Finally the might of OX’s overpowered a tiring Malvern, but not quite in spectacular fashion that you’d expect. A limp shot, and Tim’s only mistake for the season saw the ball role painfully slow over the line (NOTE: it didn’t even reach the back of the net). After a cracking game with some brilliant saves, this would be Tim’s legacy for the day.

The game ended with AC buoyant in defeat as they keep their eye firmly on the achievable prize; the McRopod Cup.

AC Malvern 0 - 1 Old Xav's

Best in show: Entire team
WAG's player of the match: Entire team

Note: This was the first game we didn't see the Jesus arm salute - well done Pricey

The loss of another for the season

2011-06-02T13:34:00.007+10:00

MEDIA RELEASE:
AC Malvern medics today announced that the injury to Sparky Coulter is worse than first thought.

Sparky appears to have suffered the same injury that cost David Beckham a spot in the England World Cup squad, the dreaded torn Achilles.

“I picked it up in the farcical game against Old Melbournain’s and just can’t seem to shake it.” said a disillusioned Coulter to the awaiting media. Chief Medic, Dr Nick was a bit clearer saying “he’s been getting injections of his own blood to heal the mild tear in the area, but the excess of Newcastle Brown in the blood is slowing the process of repair.”

Mark will be out for the remained of the season, but is expected to be back for season 2012. A replacement for his spot is being sourced.

A Malvern attraction

2011-05-31T16:55:00.003+10:00

Housewives of the OC cleaned up

2011-05-31T12:39:00.007+10:00

Joyous scenes as AC Malvern managed to snare their first victory after a come from behind 2-1 victory over Old Camberwell on Sunday.

The boys from Malvern were yet to get within two goals of Old Camberwell in their previous meetings, only scoring twice, and would therefore go into the battle for last spot as clear underdogs.

As always at Deepdene Reserve the centre of the pitch was in an appalling state resembling a tar pit more than a football pitch. This would prove to be an added challenge on judgement when moving the ball forward.

Kick off was interesting with the ball moving a metre then stopping dead in the muck. After a quick adjustment the game rolled on and it wasn’t long before AC was on the back foot.

Five minutes in and the Real Housewives of OC had a corner. A beautifully struck kick found the head of the lanky number 8 who was unmarked and an equally beautiful finish found the ball in the back of the net. It’s been a long time since Malvern have scored the first goal in a game. On this occasion falling behind so early could’ve been a massive dent in their pride.

No to be deterred by the deficit the boys from Malvern had a sense of belief and attacked the ball with great venom. The game was shaping as a shoot out with end to end stuff testing the lung capacity of many, although not VO2 Max Pete.

Jay and Pete were immense, almost as happy as pigs in shit in the middle of the park as they controlled proceedings. The Real Housewives weren’t too interested in getting dirty which allowed for plenty of space to create attacks. The revelation of season 2011, Mr Jones, was on fire on the right wing. His work off the ball was as impressive as his work on the ball which was frustrating the OC.
The Housewives did have their fair share of pushes forward, but the pairing of Owen and DeBartolo stood strong and were ably assisted by their right and left lieutenants. An intense battle would break for tea with OC up 1-0.

Tweets a plenty and word was spreading through the social networks of the quality of the battle which saw the crowd grow by 150 percent during the break.

AC didn’t disappoint the building crowd which included new converts in the Ashman’s (Bill and Steve) as they continued the attacks on a slowly folding OC. Would anything materialise? Why would today be any different?

The difference today was awareness. AC finally knew where their players were. Beautiful long balls switching wings had the Housewives confused and bemused. They had not seen such quality since the night before when Barcelona tore apart the Man Spew defence. OC defenders could be heard explaining the events “I went this way, he went that way and the ball, well the ball went over there”. AC had employed the Messi effect and a goal was surely coming.

Despite all the ‘beautiful football’ the first goal came as a result of a calamitous error by the goalie that would have made David James look good. In the end newbie T-Unitt tapped it in to draw the game level and have him at two goals from two games. “I was almost embarrassed to tap it in it was that easy. Even Pricey would have scored it despite his Toblerone boot” said Terry after the game.

Persistent attacks followed as the crowd couldn’t contain their excitement anymore. The noise spurred the red and black juggernaut into full flight as they sensed the kill of their weakening opponent. With time came chances, each getting closer by the minute.

Finally a brilliant piece of work that started from right back and connected no less than six players finished with Jay smashing the ball into the back off the net from distance. The crowd erupted and

Jay ran the fifty metres to the bench to celebrate in a euphoric scene. A 2-1 lead with fifteen minutes to play....squeaky bum time as one person put it.

The lead only spurred the boys on, fashioning many chances which fell short on result. As time ticked on the score remained at 2-1. With 30 seconds to go OC had their last chance with a header flicked on, but Tim was up to the task saving the ball and the game.

This was a fantastic result for the team after a season of torment. Next week the lads line up against table topping and in form Ol Xav’s which will be a much greater task, but I’m sure they’re up to it.

AC Malvern 2 - 1 Old Housewives of Camberwell
Unitt, Byrne

Best in show: Dave & Daniel (tied)
WAG's player of the match: Steve
Ashman & Son award: Steve
Big Bad Basil's the Bullmastiff's best in show: The Chihuahua over the fence
Most likely to lose their arms outside a window of a train: Pricey (keep the Jesus arms down boy)

He's big and red.....watch him!

2011-05-23T16:22:00.005+10:00

A hard fought battle at the Stadium of Shite ended in a 2-1 victory to Old Melbournians on Sunday. Despite a gallant effort and a dominating display for most of the match, AC couldn’t get across the line.

The dressing room pre-match was brimming with excitement on the back of last week performance. An unlucky 3-1 loss against the table topping Bayside gave the boys a glimmer of hope against the mid table OM’s.

The game started with AC building on their performance from the prior week. Passes were being strung together and control was maintained in the midfield. A shift of Pete into a central role with Jay and Dave slotting into centre back with Rich Owen was proving to be a very strong spine.

The capacity crowd watched on as an impressive performance was put on by the red and black (more impressive than so far this season anyway). Jones, playing on the left, was the architect of many of the first half attacks as he pinballed passes with teammates as he made his way down the wing. Unfortunately for AC they were unable to get on the end of the crosses. So no goal resulted.

Captain Cresswell, taking a leaf out of Jay’s book led by example dropping back to help the midfield maintain the ball and create chances with Jones and Tucker. AC would only manage to get one shot on target for the half which was saved.

Despite the positive efforts AC still couldn’t break the duck in the first half. Fortunately, through a brilliant defensive effort by the Fantastic Four saw OM’s hit the sheds without a real scoring opportunity.

The buzz of electricity in the rooms was amazing. Finally for the first time this season a sense of belief existed. Coach Dennis had two instructions before the second stanza; “keep doing what you’re doing” and “watch out for bid red on our left side”.

A slight reshuffle of the structure had new signing ‘the Unitt’ playing on the right and after dusting off the early cobwebs was showing some good signs.

AC was physically dominant winning the 50/50’s and looking like it was only a matter of time before they’d score. This would change when Big Red stepped up on our left – as predicted. The solid red nut was allowed to play five minutes of football and in those five minutes the score was 2-0.A momentary lapse can be costly in this game, and this was a prime example.

AC bounced back with Pinkney smacking the wind out of someone half his age and Colin continuing his dominant form this season despite what initially looked and sounded like a broken leg in a late tackle.

The next was either through luck or good planning, but Dennis shifted the Unitt up front and the benefit followed as Terry took on the defence and slotted home his first goal for the club.

AC had OM’s on the back foot and continued pressing for an equaliser. Some were a little over zealous as Stu attracted the wrath of the opposition, the ref and of course the coaching staff. The coaching panel were later overheard contemplating marking line down the wing for Stu to stay in not unlike the doubles line on a tennis court.

Unfortunately the game ended with OM’s one goal to the good, but once again a major step forward for the clubs performance. The lesson from today’s game is watch out for Big Red!

AC Malvern 1-2 Old Melbournians
Unitt

Best in show: Colin Brien
WAG's player of the match:Daniel Jones
Most in need of a straight line: Stu Fleming
(prize - a signed copy of Johnny Cash's Walk the line)

When a loss is still a win

2011-05-20T10:05:00.002+10:00

The dark clouds of weeks gone by were looming, but thankfully failed to arrive. Despite the dry weather AC yielded to the stronger and numerically superior Bayside team, going down 3-1 in the end.

A skeleton squad was hastily pulled together as it seems the Ex-pat footballers Union deemed this would be a bye weekend for many of AC’s footballers. Missing seven players from the line up the Malvernites were heavily reliant on ring-ins to ‘fill the void’. All was going well until the night before when a couple pulled out.

Eleven fine men were left (with Dave’s dad on standby) to take the field for battle. In the face of adversity true men stand up – and today was no exception.

From the off there was a steely resolve to the boys in red and black. Brilliantly led by the stand in keeper Jay; the lads ran their guts out and staunchly defended their goals. A switch to centre back for Dave seemed to create extra stability and with Damo and Adam having the games of their life things were looking good.

Pete and Engel were on top of Bayside in the midfield and playing tantalising through balls to Stu and Garriet, but they just couldn’t break through despite some great efforts and running.

Disaster struck at the 19th minute mark when a freak goal came from a lob from outside the box off the boot of number eight. Jay was unlucky to see this sail past him as I’m sure even Pepe Reina wouldn’t have stopped this one. Unfortunately for AC, soon after a second equally freakish lob from the same man would sail into the back of the net and have them two nil up. We were later to find out that he does this at least five times a year.
For the first time this season AC showed some fight, a positive attitude and they were united in a quest to come back instead of dropping their bundle.

Attacks began from the back with Rich and Dave and Pete was on fire winning the ball with ease. Eventually AC won a corner and the old duo of Engel and Owen combined with Owen heading home his first for the season.

The panic button was hit and Bayside were worried. An arm wrestle ensued with neither team gaining the ascendancy until late in the piece. A leg weary AC left a gap on the right which Bayside took advantage of, slotting home the games last goal past a hapless Jones who had just stepped into goals.

The score line might not be pretty; however this was truly the first competitive game for the season where AC had a chance without the freakish goals. A lot of positives today – let’s hope they roll into next week.

AV Malvern 1-3 Bayside
Owen

Best in show: Pete Phillips
WAGs player of the match: Damo Buellens
Best lead role in a mini series: Jason Byrne

Thunder....it really is frightening.

2011-05-12T11:41:00.000+10:00

The dark clouds remained from last week, but this time they brought with them an almighty Thunder from Dandenong who flooded the AC net, taking the points with a comprehansive 7-1 victory.

The day began with torrential rain just as the players arrived at the Stadium of Shite with vision reduced significantly; it didnt get much better from there.

Taking to the water soaked pitch the lads from AC were hoping that the rain would be the great leveler; however it wasn't long before they realised that this would not be the case. The slick moving Thunder controlled the game with ease string together pass after pass as a bemused AC watched on.
Some great work from Colin at the back and Tim in goals managed to keep the ball out of the net, but then the first trickle before the flood came as a result of a penalty. A diving tackle in the box was mistimed by Damo who took down the attacker and the ref appropriately penalised.

One nil down and without a ray of sunshine on the horizon, things were looking glum very early on. As a pure spectator it was a privilege, despite being soaked to the core, to watch a midfield control and move the ball around the park with accuracy and skill. The lads from AC resembled training cones as Thunder did as they pleased before slotting home another.

With 20 minutes left in the half the sun poked it's head out for a fleeting second, but this was enough to inspire the boys in red and black as they started playing some football. Whether it was learning from the lesson Dandenong was teaching them or a reminder of what they applied in preseason training - it didn't matter. AC was now here to play and play they did.

Dandenong were on the back foot and now forced to defend attacking runs from last weeks goal scorer Jonesy and Pete which transferred into chances for Tucker and Cresswell. Things were happening and there was hope of turning around the deficit after Captain Cresswell put one in the back of the net after some great football from Jay and Dave and a lay off from Garriet.

After a superb sustained effort from AC the Thunder were able to sneak in a late goal on the counter attack just before the half time break.

A buoyant half time speech from coach Dennis included pearls of wisdom such as "we're still in this. If we play like the last 20 minutes there's no reason we cant get a draw"

What goes up must come down, or so Isacc Newton says, and AC came down with a thud. The second half was a procession for the Thunder as they managed to pile on four goals.

AC almost set up a guard of honour as the Thunder moved through the midfield and with most of the defenders having a nightmare day the resistance was left to two; Colin and Tim. Unfortunately, unlike Rambo, they were no match for a parading battalion of the Thunder Army and the scoreboard reflected so.

Yet another disappointing day for the red and black Malvernites where the simple things let them down. Poor or no passing, no second efforts or chasing back and even Pricey stopping to pull out the Jesus arms in the box whilst play continued cost AC today. The ref, taking pity on our souls, stopped in after the game to offer advice saying "you're not going to win games unless you can string passes together". Sage advice from a wise man, but the question remains can they put it into practise?

Can AC stop the bleeding? or will the time of death be an early call? Tune into next weeks episode to find out - same bat time, same bat channel.

AC Malvern 1 - 7 Gods of Thunder
Cresswell

Mannie's man of the match: Colin Brien
WAG's player of the match: Daniel Jones
Tit of the week: Pricey

Ouch, crack and then a mighty wack!

2011-05-02T12:21:00.006+10:00

Dark clouds gathered over Fawkner Park as AC Malvern were taught a footballing lesson; going down 8-1 to a ruthless South Yarra.

The day should have started full of promise with what was arguable the strongest line up available for the season launch. The mood was otherwise, as the shock announcement of Dennis' forced retirement reverberated through out the dressing room.

Preseason was over and a moderate amount of work had been done. So it was now time to focus on the task at hand, beating South Yarra. Incidentally, AC have not won at this venue for as long as records have been kept.

The game started with both teams observing a minutes silence in a moving tribute to the passing of South Yarra's President during the week.

The whistle went and every fibre of muscle in the AC machine was kicked into action. Early going was tough with both sides feeling out each other. (Not in a Blue Light disco way - perverts!) SY looked like a team who hadn't played much football as a cohesive unit, but their class was evident. It wasn't long before they all stopped ball chasing, got some structure and started piling the pressure on the AC defense.

Earth tremor:
Eight minutes in and the rampant Matthews called an end to his left wing runs and to the game. He hobbled off under the watchful eye of his fan club with ankle knack
EARTHQUAKE:
Measuring 9.5 on the Malvern scale, Eddie came crashing down minutes after Marty left the field. The crack of his knee could be heard across the park and the red and black hearts sank as this would signal the end of second AC Malvern career in a week. Fortunately we were playing outside the front doors of the Alfred and Eddie was able to be airlifted as the game continued. (The medical summary was a fracture which includes a ruptured cruciate)

Within minutes of this devastating double blow Tim found himself picking the ball out of the back of the net, a task he would get used to as the game went on.

A shining light in an otherwise gloomy day was the introduction of Joe Valentine. His pace upfront and awareness started to create all sorts of problems with SY sending three players to mark him. This opened a gap on the left for Jones to slide by defenders and net his first goal for the club; 1-1.

The yarra boys then decided enough was enough and they put the pressure on like the Bombers did to the Gold Coast Suns later in the day. Goal after goal as a helpless Tim was exposed by defensive lapses and they went into the break with a comfortable 4-1 lead.

The second half was no picnic with no reprieve from the pressure. Statisticians were amazed as AC time in possession elapsed to 4min 52secs of the 45min. In the end South Yarra were treating AC as their little brother sucking them in before delivering the killer blow; in this case goals. AC were fortunate to have Tim between the sticks as it could have been a more embarrassing scoreline, if possible.

The game done and a collection of disbelief and thanks that it was over summed up the group as they marched off to the change rooms.

This weeks (virtual) training will surely include focusing on keeping possession and not panicking.

AC Malvern 1 - 8 South Yarra
Jones
Best in show: Tim Nolan
WAGS player of the match: Joe Valentine

Friendly finale

2011-04-18T10:22:00.007+10:00

A glorious day and an unprecedented quality surface at the Stadium of Shite greeted the two teams in the final warm up match of the 2011 pre-season. Although the result wasn’t the focus, Central Park Rangers managed to get their noses in front with a fourth quarter (yep we played in quarters) goal from their answer to Freddie Ljunberg; Lars. The potential of lining up with depleted stock forced AC to go to the vaults and recall club legends Engel and Brendan into the line up. Their class and passion for the club would be immediately evident. There are good days and bad days and for some reason the lads from AC struggled to find their rhythm early on. The midfield was dominated by the equally aging Rangers as they dictated play and fashioned a few early chances. Slowly AC woke up and started to get into the game, but couldn’t get past the impenetrable force that was the Rangers back four. Frustration started to mount and the game plan reverted to AC circa 2010 with long balls to no one in particular which proved fruitless and would return just as quick. A half time chat from the coaching panel seemed to pay dividends. The lads put training into practise with short sharp passes to each other. Momentum built and a couple of scoring opportunities presented with Garriet almost scoring his first in red and black. The third quarter, the premiership quarter in AFL, was telling. AC’s fitness was allowing them to wrestle back control. Chances however were still few and far between as the Rangers defence stood strong. The fizz went out of the game in the fourth quarter as the heat started to takes its toll. Rangers took advantage and started peppering the goals at will, eventually scoring with a tap in at the back post. The score line could have been as ugly as Carlos Tevez (pictured) or the formatting of this post if it weren’t for a man of the match performance by shot stopper Tim Nolan. The pretend stuff is now over and it’s time for the real deal. The lads have a week off to rest and get rid of niggling injuries before lining up South Yarra at Fawkner park in round one. AC Malvern 0 – 1 Rangers

Bi-polar football experience

2011-04-04T19:13:00.014+10:00

An hour's extra sleep (or two hours if you're Adam), cooler weather and a full squad already makes this a better start to the day.

The venue was once again the State Football Centre thanks to a late scramble and negotiations with the FFV by Dennis. All because of unscheduled council works at the home of today's enemy; Moreland City.Moreland is a familiar pre-season opponent for the lads of AC, although this year the plucky lads from Moreland sit in a higher division. Sarah, flying solo WAG at the start of the match was so excited about this fixture she couldn't get her magazine the right way around.

Danny DeVito, I mean Coach Coulter was in charge today, mandating a change in formation to a more traditional 4-4-2. "These lads are canny, but they cant run for shite" he said in his pre-match conference.

The first half began with much the same vigour as last week. The Malvernites were playing "joga bonito" (the beautiful game), but managing to keep up sustained efforts like they were filled with metaphoric Viagra.

The salivating crowd was seduced, enthralled and finally reached climax as a stunning piece of work found Marty with the ball. He dropped his head and launched his boot ball-ward curling it into the back of the net; 1-0.

Steady Eddie was resolute controlling the play from the back. Shining more so under the watchful eye of debutant WAG (his finacee). Debutant Garriet made plenty of runs to goal without result (unless you count kicks to the shin) and the midfield were sublime with gems passed forward. Coach Coulter was looking forward to being carried off and being drenched in Champers or Gatorade.

The excitement was all a little premature and hit of nasal spray a the half may have been wise. AC dropped their collective bundle, forgetting everything learned at training and the higher placed and fitter Moreland started to get on top. As an onlooker it's always easy to see when a team is getting on top of AC. It's when all you can hear is players yelling at each other; blaming like a moody teen rather than encouraging. What follows AC's cannibalistic rants is usually a goal........Moreland had read the script and slotted an equaliser.

The rest of the half was a scramble to catch a breath between yelling at team mates and chasing opponents. Malvern received a lucky break after a not so lucky tackle from Brien resulted in the ref, Dennis (yep against his own team) awarding a penalty. Steve's nemesis, the mouthy #15 who was dressed like he was heading to the Antarctic in head to toe skins stepped up for the kick, but fired far right missing everything. Steve let him know his thoughts.

A sigh of relief at the miss, but more so at end of the game.

Once again some good signs with a great half of football, coaching brilliance and some promising debuts. The season is now only weeks away and AC is eagerly awating the draw released on 17th April.

AC Malvern 1 - 1 Moreland City

Matthews

AC's celebrity look-a-likes

2011-03-31T17:50:00.003+11:00

Any idea who these could be? Comment and let us know...

In the heat of the moment.......wilt!

2011-03-22T13:47:00.002+11:00

After a sub-par summer with unprecedented rainfall; it was only fitting that on the day of our fist match temperatures would reach 30 degrees and create an environment akin to Doha for the recent Asian Cup.

Not to be disheartened the boys had a positive attitude and were determined to show Hendy why he should have stayed in the black and red as he lined up for the opposition.

“It’s not about the result today lads, it’s about the way we play” said Dennis in his pre-match address. This was to be very prophetic given that AC weren’t at full strength with; a missing goalie, a suspect Coulter and Steve dicing on the edge of pneumonia during the week.

Under the watchful eye of the WAG’s and with sunscreen applied the first ball was kicked in anger. Early match form was promising with AC managing to play some of the best football seen at the club to date. The passing and movement was straight from the training field.

Ol’ Melba’s, who are in the lofty heights of division two, managed to sneak a goal in at the 26 minute mark, but unlike AC of old they were able to respond within two minutes when Fleming slotted home the first for the season. The defence stood resolute for the remainder of the half.

Ol Melba’s were able to rotate players at will with a spare team on the bench awaiting their chance to impress Coach Nelson. The heat and the weight of numbers started to take its toll on the boys in red and black despite some big efforts by all. You can only physically do so much in these conditions and up against two teams. Mid way through the second half OM’s managed to start piling on the goals and the result was then never in doubt.

The match was a good hit out despite both teams losing a player each to potential long term injuries. The positive is Coulter will now take on the coaching role for the next game against Moreland.

AC Malvern 1 – Ol Melbournain Elite Squad scorers still counting

Fleming

PRESS RELEASE - 7/3/11

2011-03-07T16:32:00.004+11:00

EDDIE THE EAGLE HAS FLOWN THE COOP

AC Malvern today announced that it has agreed to terminate the recently sign contract of Eddie the Eagle.

Eddie regrets the decision, but has accepted an enticing contract elsewhere in Australia where he will teach kids to terrorise strikers as an imposing centre back.

Club officials said “Ed has provided a great spark during the training session. We will miss his already
imposing aerial presence during season 2011, but wish him the best on his new venture.”

Eddie now holds the record for the shortest playing contract with the club at two weeks.

Recruitment to fill the remaining positions in the squad continues via Gumtree

-End of message -

Tis the season to be.........prepared!

2011-02-28T20:14:00.004+11:00

Relegation hurts, there’s no question about it and after a dismal 2010 the lads from AC were happy see the back of 2010 and greet the dawning of 2011. A new year brings about an opportunity to forget the past, and write a new chapter in the history of AC Malvern.

A new chapter is certainly what we would see. The summer months are usually a time for relaxing the belts to a looser hole after devouring copious amounts of food and booze during the festive season. There are music festivals to be enjoyed, beer gardens to be occupied for hours on end and ladies to be met. As I said this is the usual format for this time of year; 2011 however was a different beast all toether.

The brains trust at AC decided that a little summer kick about would be a good idea to dust off the cobwebs, but they didn’t think it would get the momentum that it has. What developed is a full blown pre season training schedule thanks to Coach Dennis and his right hand man; Sparky. A modest Dennis said ” I had a vision, a vision for redemption and though if I build it and they will come” so every Wednesday on the Field of Dreams the lads from AC gather to be put through their paces.
Gone are the fat rolls (well not for all) and we welcome the super fit six pack carrying athletes. Maybe not that far, but at least everyone will be able to fit into their shorts by round one this year. Will we see the benefits in season 2011 – only time will tell.

The departure of Hendy (last time he’ll be mentioned on this blog) and a couple of retirements left the list of the aging elite depleted; especially up front. So a recruitment campaign akin to the US Army’s Uncle Sam’s “I want you” back in 1917 was adopted; although AC opted for a more fitting approach for the modern times – an ad on Gumtree.

Responses came in thick and fast and the calibre of athletes was unquestioned as they ran through their paces during the early sessions. Word continued to travel on the grape vine and numbers swelled to the point of an embarrassment of riches and a conundrum for the selection committee. I’m not so good at maths, but with three spots available on the list and six on the short list, I’m sure that leaves a remainder.

Commitment, passion and respect, not to mention football ability were tested and the committee quickly swooped to sign two new players for the squad. Contracts negotiations were a drawn out process due to the player‘s manager, Ricky Nixon being tied up on a scouting mission at a local high school. Finally all were able to agree to terms and now Eddie the Eagle and Daniel are officially part of AC’s finest.

Four sessions into pre-season and things are on the up. No need for fat camp for the boys and the skills are closer to silky than they’ve ever been. Captain Cresswell, WAGS player of the year has had his pass only to Hendy (last time I promise) blinkers surgically removed ensuring that AC’s one dimensional football is a thing of the past – we hope.

The focus now shifts to preparing for the upcoming friendlies with old foe; Ol’ Melbournians and Moreland confirmed and one other in the pipeline. The lads from AC will be either uber prepared come round one, or knackered and unable to make it through the 18 rounds. So get on board for season 2011 and watch this space.

What a difference a year makes....

2011-02-23T10:34:00.003+11:00

Stadium, not so shite current day
Taken 20 February 2011

Stadium of Shite circa 2010
Taken 20 February 2010 (Source: nearmap.com)

Preseason training snaps

2011-02-10T11:50:00.003+11:00

2010 Team of the Year

2010-09-23T18:45:00.000+10:00

As voted by an independant panel; I present the 2010 team of the year

This is it, the night of nights

2010-09-07T09:16:00.000+10:00

And so it ends. The season is over and so is the awards night. The Yak Bar played host and the night itself was a somewhat more sedate affair as the WAG's were in close proximity and the main protagonist, Petey was tearing up the London night life.

The biggest controversy of the evening was left to the Wee Wedgie as a leaked rumour was confirmed true. If you thought that Gary Ablett's rumoured move to the Gold Coast was big, then wait, cause three time Golden Croc winner Hendy is leaving AC for greener pastures, literally. Next season Hendy will ply his trade on the lush surfaces of Port Melbourne lining up with rivals, Old Melbournians. In a brief interview Hendy sighted "age, money, pitch conditions and success" as the key things that pushed him to make the decision. AC would now be on the lookout during the transfer market to try and fill the hole left by the 15 goals per season striker. Hendy will be missed, but we wish him well on his new venture.

The award winners for 2010 are:
Players Player of the year: Jason Byrne
WAG's Player of the year: Steven Cresswell
Gaffers Player of the year: Rich Owen
Most Improved of the year: Damo Buellens
Clubman of the year: Ivan Dennis
Golden Croc: Mark Henderson

The final winner; you, the reader of this blog. You have won yourself this nine minute video that will change your life, or make you laugh. Enjoy a look back at 2010:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqQJkUZnAuk

Film credits:

Cinematographer: Ivan Dennis

Photographer: Ivan Dennis

Editor: Jennii Winstanley

Director: Jennii Winstanley

"Worst blog ever!" - Herald Sun

2010-09-01T21:05:00.001+10:00

As the sun cut through the early morning clouds and the lads from AC removed the sleep from their collective eyes; the realisation of what lay ahead hit them like a hangover after a night out with Pete. Firstly, irrespective of the result today, relegation loomed ominously over their head. Today would also be the last game for club stalwart Peter “Ralpha” Seidel, who would retire after a 40 year career of competitive sport across all of Melbourne’s sporting fields. Central Park would today be blessed to carry the honour of being the last.

Today would be a rare day when we were without a kit clash as the Eagles lined up in ever intimidating purple paying tribute to their number one ticket holder, the purple Tellytubby, Tinky Wink.

After the arduous task of marking the lines and putting up the nets; the warm up began with WAG Laurie "soon to be" Dennis, pictured right, running them through their paces. She can be seen here showing them the basics, like where to kick the ball. It was a novel approach, but would it net any benefits?

With a season full of defeats, and nothing to loose the leadership group decided to mix things up. Hendy, the Golden Croc winner since records were kept, would line up at left back and Sparky Coulter would partner Ralpha up front in search of his first AC goal.

Troops were light on the ground with only two on the bench and a 5% fit Dennis watching on, hoping not to be called upon.

The game began and it didn't really inspire the gaggle of WAG's on hand as they gossiped about shopping, weddings and babies whilst their respective partners flexed their football muscle in a quest for victory.

Ten minutes in and finally a distraction big enough to grab the WAG's attention. Unfortunately for AC it would be an injury to Ralpha's calf and the ten minute stint would mark the end of his career as he hobbled off with Karen's parting words echoing in his ears "you know this is against my wishes". One senses a big case of "I told you so" upon arrival home.

To rub salt into the very open wound of season 2010, Sparky hobbled off minutes later with an injury forcing Dennis to enter the fray and attempt to resurrect his career. Like Ralpha, Sparky was done for the day and AC was well and truly in trouble with their stocks plummeting. The pair then spent the rest of the game sharing ice and war stories.

The game had turned into a war of attrition as AC fought tooth and nail to hold the Purple Eagles at bay. Unfortunately a sneaky goal followed by the luckiest goal we've seen this season saw AC 2-0 down.

AC were determined to go out with a hint of respect and took the game to the Eagles in the second half. The seasons star performer Jay was gaining control of the midfield, and Hendy had been push back up front. Things were looking good for a result as the balance shifted. Matt Pinkney was playing well and enjoying his time on the right wing defying his 48 years with blinding runs. The usual suspects were getting into their rhythm and the two nil deficit didn't seem insurmountable anymore.

Chance after chance came without result. The closest coming from Hendy who hit the post and saw the ball roll along the line before heading out. An regular onlooker was heard saying "that there, that shot and the result just typifies your season....close, but just not enough".

Yet another injury for the growing list as Dunc and Pinkney went for a header in the midfield. Unfortunately for Matt, Dunc sunk his teeth into the back of the hard mans skull drawing blood and leaving a flap of skin hanging. Pinkney was done for the day and joined good mate Ralpha on the sidelines.

As the sun was setting on the game a little ray of hope appeared. Hendy had the ball on the left and managed to play it to a rampant Jason who took control of the ball and slotted it home with style and grace. It was 2-1 and only ten minutes to go.

Ten minutes is a long time in football, but not with a ref like today. He'd already wasted 20 minutes of the game having in depth conversations with players, mainly Steve, on topics such as; linesman eating food, the art of holding the flag, what part of the body is considered taboo and of course what he and his wife were going to have for dinner. So it was no surprise as he confused and bemused both teams for the remained of the game, running down the clock and robbing AC the opportunity of escaping with a draw.

The game ended with another loss. The season ended, a career ended and now it's time to reflect and prepare for the end of season celebrations.

Season 2010's been a blast. There have been highs, but more lows, challenges and frustrations. All in all an eventful season ending in relegation and a return to division three.

AC Malvern 1 - 2 Tinky Winky FC

Byrne

Mannie's Man of the match: Ralpha

WAG's Man of the match: Ivan Dennis

Number one ticket holder; Tinky Wink

2010-08-31T10:32:00.002+10:00

2010-08-30T18:55:00.000+10:00

Mauling, mutiny and poaching

2010-08-26T20:35:00.002+10:00

It’s at this point when it becomes apparent that there are a lot of weeks in the season and as a result a lot of match reports. Seriously, how many ways can one describe effectively the same thing, an honourable loss, in a variety of ways? So, like the players of AC I am starting to feel the niggles, pains and fatigue of what has been a long and arduous season on the pitch and on the keyboard.

With their backs to the wall and facing mission NEAR impossible AC arrived at the home of Ol’Scotch, ready for battle. Survival an respect were foremost on the minds of the players with only a win in the last two games of the season giving them a very slim hope of staying in Division two. Standing in their way was a heavily stacked team who, in the last four games had scored 17 goals; so the outlook was bleak.

One would be mistaken for thinking that Scotch, being the elite school of Melbourne, would provide a pitch as good, if not better than the new AAMI Park. Hell, Ol’ Trinity and OM’s do, but alas stepping foot on the pitch revealed a baron land with about as much grass as on the pitch as a modern porn star.

The good news: a warmish sunny day. The bad news: the pitch, the opposition, a warmish sunny day and why not blame the curvature of the earth.

I preface this by letting you all know that I lost my notes in an incident which involved; paper, a pocket, water and a washing machine. Yep, I am a truly professional writer….honest, I am. Actually calling myself a writer makes me laugh. So maybe I’m a comedian? I digress…..

The first four minutes started off quiet promising. Three wags on the sideline, a coach and a determined team who were piling on the pressure and forcing the Scotch keeper to raise his heart rate above a pedestrian thud. Jay and Hendy were causing all sorts of trouble and the belief was building.

Then came the turning point of the match; a thumping long kick the length of the ground. The ball and the OS number ten headed Wong-ward at a rampant pace intent on meeting before sending the ball netbound. Wong would become the first victim of the pitch with the ball bouncing unpredictably high and looking to outwit the lunging keeper. Wong managed to get a paw to the ball, but played it nicely to the foot of the awaiting striker who found the net with ease. 1-0 and the beginning of a very troubling first half.

Scotch was intent to bury the game continuing their goal scoring spree and despite best efforts by our lads it was looking likely. AC looked lost as they tried in vein to shut down their playmakers to wrestle back control. The usually calm Captain Cresswell was loosing his cool; Pricey could be heard saying “I can’t be bothered; I’m hung over” it was a mutiny and no one wanted to go down with the ship as the Scotch boys found another two goals.

Trying to stem the flow, and regain the confidence of the players; Rafa Dennis sent the ever enthusiastic Flemo into a battle. “Sacrifice you game son for the greater good of the team. Run with the number ten. Annoy the s*** out of him DO NOT leave his side, not even if he goes to the toilet!!!”. The tactical move seemed to work with Stu doing a stellar job, even forcing the number ten to the bench for an extended period.

HALF TIME

Half time couldn’t come soon enough and a flat AC awaited direction from the soon to be departing coach (predicting the future here). In fact, Rafa Dennis, sensing his fate pulled on his boots and took to the pitch for a ten minute stint to try and prove that if he’s sacked that he still has something to offer this lot. Despite a few touches and his trade mark push and shove with number seven the mission failed and he hit the bench again.

The second half was more of the same with a dominant Scotch, lead by number ten, finding the net twice more by games end to have a handful of goals in the bag. That said there was some stand out AC moments, with the top five being:

1. A deft lob by Dunc from the right wing finding itself in the back of the net
2. Hendy, the goal machine, living up to his name slotting one home
3. Stu’s ability to run with the playmaker. The pair were that close that they are rumoured to be catching up for dinner this week. Wedding bells?

4. Timbo Nolan battling on despite his back repeatedly ceasing up – tough!

5. The stalwart, JT marshalling defence despite a constant barrage of attacks
6. The mouthy and ugly Scotch number seven getting a blood nose – priceless!

Yeah, yeah that’s six……I never said I could count.

The game ended to the chilling echo of number seven yelling to the sidelines “enjoy relegation f*** heads”. Good bloke, full of humility and sportsmanship, but in the end we may go down, but he will be forever ugly.

AC Malvern 2 – 5 Single Malt
Winton, Henderson

Mannie;s man of the match: Jay Byrne
WAG's man of the match: Ivan Dennis (mainly cuase he stood there in bike shorts)

News in brief:
- After the match AC Malvern announced the official end of reign of Rafa Dennis as coach. It’s speculated that Dennis saw the writing on the wall and resigned rather than facing the chop from club officials.

In a letter to club officials it’s believed Dennis said “It’s disappointing, but I believe my position has become untenable. Despite my best efforts, compassion and tolerance the players have lost faith in me and no longer play with the conviction required at this elite level.

I wish the club well as they face new challenges in division three next year and enter the world of football without regrets.

- The season is yet to be completed, but the transfer rumour mill is well and truly active. The latest is a raping an pillaging of the league winning Caulfield with one (and potentially more) yet to be named players sending their Mr 15% in for talks with AC Malvern. The only information available is that the first arrival may be Northern Irish.

A Tiger tale

2010-08-19T11:41:00.000+10:00

You’d be forgiven for thinking that club AC had put the cue in the rack for season 2010. Especially when the AC camp arrived at millionaire’s row with – no away strip, no linesman (which our truculent little referee would later use as grounds to discriminate), and no coach (so we travel by mini-bus! boom-boom!). But we did have something – 8 players with 5 minutes til kickoff.

Yep, despite the opulent surroundings that South Yarra’s elite pay to live amongst, even the neighbouring Alfred ICU was looking like the more rosy place to be.

It was a drop in the ocean (and must be said, a very kind gesture) for the might of South Yarra to loan AC Malvern a set of white tops - It was the very last piece of generosity to fall AC’s way.

As the AC 11 retreated from out under the ageless oak trees for kickoff, it was clear South Yarra sniffed an opponent well and truly on the back foot. Conversely, ‘the Yarra’ started with a bang, playing keepings off as AC were left for dust in going with a very slick moving South Yarra side. AC barely had a bootlace to the ball when the first attack of the game found the back of the net inside 2 minutes. 1 nil South Yarra, and AC heads – sensing it was going to be a f*cking long afternoon, dropped that little bit further.

The hiding continued, and South Yarra couldn’t get enough of the ball and were lining up to dine out on uncontested possession, tackle-shy Malvernians, and even the chance to attack from their own half. After several wasted opportunities, providing Wong with a barrage of goal kicking practice, a second was added courtesy of a clichéd brit-boy skinheaded geezer. A belting was on the horizon.

Now I don’t know if we all heard it, but this match reporter certainly did. Words to the effect of: “this is like a training drill!” from the pursed lips of one South Yarra toff. Two goals inside 15 minutes, and I suppose they might’ve felt that way - enough said though as the boys from Central Park went about making amends for a horror start.

The possession count was still lop-sided, but the hardness AC are renowned for began to surface, as the lads got in the face of the home side. Every second tackle seemed to result in a Yarra free kick even when the ref - who bizarrely felt it was acceptable to officiate from the half way line - got it plain wrong. Initial questioning re both matters decision-wise and correct officiating decorum drew the simple (again bizarre) response: “you didn’t provide a linesman, therefore you have no right to question any of my calls, stop complaining”. Captain Cresswell, as captains do, politely offered: “Now mate, I’m pretty sure all those pilgrims didn’t bring the host a plate when they converged onto Bethlsaida, yet i’m tipping they weren’t excluded from the spread of bread and fish laid on by J.C.”…...

Ok, so maybe Steve didn’t say that, but whatever he did say, the ref astounded all, replying: “you should be over there, playing with them” as he pointed dagger-like to the adjacent oval of young girls having a kick. This was iced with a yellow card. Steve’s reply to that was most unholy, albeit appropriate. What, with all this god and fury about, it was half expected that Pricey would intervene and float over with his token angelic gesture to calm things.

Instead, we reluctantly agreed to disagree and just got on with the game. The next free kick – surprisingly to them – found a ball over the AC wall where poor marking would see the easiest of tap in headers from point blank range. 3 nil.

From there AC stepped up another gear, a run from Tim up the middle resulted in a late challenge from the South Yarra centre back, AC won a long overdue free kick, and Tim a faceful of dirt. With Damo running hard out wide - despite the affections of some tight marking, Steve consistently sent the ball long in search of Hendy and the height of Duncan, with support from Dave at ground level. Finally, the South Yarra defenders were being forced into to doing just that, defend. An eventful first half reached it’s conclusion, the cocky swagger of the home team obvious. The AC lads meanwhile, were seething at the firebrand in black, for refusing to cut them an even break – fittingly he sat under a tree on his own.

Half time – and it must be said, was the most eventful part of the afternoon for all concerned in the red & black corner. The first 4 minutes of the interval were invested in plotting an elaborate plan to assassinate the referee, and the next 4 spent on the more gentlemanly approach of lodging a written formal complaint. The final 2 minutes, and it was no doubt fuelled by the first 8, was all about our response to the first half and what we needed to do to get back in the game – Wise heads loosened their tongues and it was implored to the boys 1. We NEVER give in; and 2. Fight like tigers!

Stirring stuff, and certainly no flash in the pan as AC came out firing, determined to win the ball “at all costs” and dominate the one on one contests. South Yarra continued to try and attack like a team winning 3 nil might with cries of “let’s finish this off now!” the mantra. With a full compliment of substitutes, including Carmelo Anthony, South Yarra made regular changes, something AC didn’t have the luxury of calling on.

But AC had reserves of a different kind - determination and a true fighting spirit, despite the massive deficit. As an even contest played out, it became apparent that the pressure and expectation was firmly on the shoulders of the highly fancied South Yarra. Added to this, the bulk of two of the Yarra’s other Sunday teams watched an epic second half unfolding, providing a hostile fortress for the visiting AC Malvern.

Some men use dencorub, others tiger balm, it must be a South Yarra thing though, cos I’m certain these men were using glue for whatever pre-match purpose. What a hazard it was to become! As time and time again their hands found themselves stuck to the shirts of the AC players. Of course, South Yarra’s “12th man” did

bugger all about it.

AC maintained their concentration, as the fab four, Pricey-Colin-Matt-Coults, were churned through a ton of defensive work repelling wave after wave of attack and coolly pushing the ball to safety with Dave & Steve on hand to counter.

The spaces begun to open up for AC, Damo and Tim on their respective wings showing no fear in charging downfield at defenders in search of a waiting Hendy, the lone ranger up front, who was really beginning to take on, and typically beat more than one red shirt when given the chance.

Suddenly, the first half wasn’t a factor, AC had forgotten the score, and it was like the ref hadn’t come back on for the second half. South Yarra were now playing like a team on level pegging, their jersey tugging only bettered by their shameless tripping and pushing & shoving.

Then the breakthrough, as Wong, having a solid game, punched a goal kick straight down the middle of the ground finding the head of Tim who provided a deft flick over the Yarra talls at the back and into the path of a steaming Hendy who patiently waited for the ball to sit up before volleying home, 3-1. The game had begun.

Angry as all hell, South Yarra began biting harder and at each other in an attempt to pull back the ascendency. Damo continued his physical battle with the Yarra’s left winger, even if it meant kissing dirt and ending up on his haunches for the sake of a possession. This was backs-to-the-wall football, and the fab four knew no exceptions, grunting and grinding out tackle after tackle as Colin directed the troops accordingly.

To their credit, South Yarra with their heavy weight of numbers and deep talent pool didn’t halt in terrorising the AC goalmouth, and really should’ve put the game to bed. They didn’t though, and AC kept playing like the game was within reach. Coults fired a long pass out wide to Tim who, sensing his hairlipped opponent was closing, pulled out a turn seen only every three seasons (the last time being at this ground from memory!). With his pants well and truly around his ankles before the band of vocal Yarra supporters, an unsporting act followed. Twinkle-toes, on his way down the wing in search of Hendy, was blatantly tripped over by hairlip flooring the AC left winger. Linesman or not, a card should’ve been shown, but alas, not a brass razoo. Well, a free kick maybe….

With the constant grounding of AC personnel, one AC victim would later be heard complaining: “f*ck me, not even a Grey street hooker working a long weekend would have knees this sore!”

It wasn’t to be forgotten, and in an attempt to show AC were not intimidated by the school yard bully tactics, hairlip found himself on the end of a solid bump by Tim, both players hitting the canvass. Hairlip, another brit geezer, reached for his backpocket with the intention of drawing Tim a Chelsea smile, before thinking better of it and instead downgrading his retaliation to a solid kick to the shin. Yes people, the bloody shin, behind a hard piece of plastic. Now, i’m pretty sure any retaliation is going to have you receiving your marching orders – so why not go the head, the guts, hell, a nipple cripple! The lesson here: Make your parting shot count!

But he didn’t, and it was water off a ducks back as AC would immediately find themselves back on the attack courtesy of a fine running movement which saw the ball zig-zag – Matt to Coults, forward to Steve pushing across to Tim, then right to a rampaging Duncan looking for Hendy. The Yarra cleared but the ball stayed in their half, Damo buzzed around the area looking for the cross and settling for a corner. The Yarra were on the run, and AC Malvern were hunting them down – like a tiger.

More terrific passing in close again caught the Yarra out and finally Hendy, who’d gone close several times was brought down in the box after beating 3 yarra defenders. 3-2 as he nailed the penalty.

The final whistle would see the Yarra hang on – just. AC Malvern would leave Fawkner Park with grazed limbs and bruises aplenty, but with their spirits and heads held much higher than when they arrived. Coults would epitomize the physical encounter, a bloodied head from an errant boot for his troubles, to go with yet another groin strain, guaranteeing a classic watercooler anecdote come Monday morning.

AC had won the second the second half, keeping the home side goalless. Captain Cresswell sucked back a hard earned Alpine and conveyed everyone’s thoughts:

“We’ve never fought that hard before”.

AC Malvern 2 - 3 Sth Yarra

2 Henderson

Mannies Man of the match: Colin – a rock at the back

WAGS Man of the match: Hendy – a diamond up front

The rumour mill:

Could it be!??! AC Malvern Tigers in 2011

Yellow submarine

2010-08-11T20:22:00.000+10:00

An early arrival at the Stadium of Shite on Sunday and I was amazed to see a mass of people, big and small huddled around the rooms. Had the impending return of AC’s past greats been leaked to the media? No. Was it the AC’s full supporter base out in force for a vitally important game? No. Was it a concerned bunch of residents trying to corral an escaped bear who was threatening the kids? Although it sounds stupid, this was in fact the closest to fact. There was a bear, well a man in a bear suit, parading around the pitch with a bunch of kids and balls in a disturbingly odd way.

Bayside Argonauts had only lost twice this season to Berwick and Old Scotch so on paper the chance of a win was rated plausible, but in reality not possible. In the first leg the Argonauts were a formidable opposition destroying a defenceless AC 4-0, but it could have been as much as 8-0 if it weren’t for some luck. This time however, with the season coming to a close and with top spot in their sight, the Argonauts would be chomping at the bit to destroy AC.

The Malvernite’s would this week welcome back some club legends; JT and Brendan for a cameo appearance and long term injury listed Ren. In addition, Rafa Dennis and Chief Wag, Laurie would also return to parade the sidelines barking orders to anyone who would listen.

Despite the mountainous challenge that lay ahead AC were eager and almost ready. The Argonauts were going through the motions of their warm up routine; well drilled like a professional dance troop. AC on the other hand was yet to have a full team on hand five minutes before kick off which concerned the plucky young Canadian ref.

Kick off and AC had eleven fine men, with new dad Steve and Brendan in transit with the BA’s a full compliment of stars.

It wasn’t long into the game when the first chance presented itself. The newly engaged Irishman Colin, still thinking of a French summer and the joy of organising a wedding, attempted to get his body in front of the ball, but instead got his hand to the ball. This meant a nervous moment for AC with a resulting free kick just outside the box. Fortunately though the ball was cleared and Colin sighed with relief.

The Argonauts were in control and kept attacking, but the AC defence was resilient. Damo was at the ready with closest attempt on goal, managing to clear the ball off the line 15 minutes in.

AC then stepped it up taking control from the 20 minute mark. Hendy was shifted back up front and it paid immediate dividends with a shot on goal that was saved by the keeper. Soon after, returning legend, JT played a superb through ball to Hendy who unleashed a rocketing shot only to find the crossbar.

The balance had well and truly shifted and the Argonauts were panicking at the thought of having a lowly team such as AC squash their title ambitions. The panic manifested itself in silly mistakes with the Argonauts evening the handball score at 1-1. Hendy, sensing it was his day, took the resulting free kick only to find the cross bar for a second time. Teams like the Argonauts don’t give you many chances and it seemed luck was not on Malvern’s side.

Ten minutes of dominance resulted in one more change with, you guessed it, Hendy taking a free kick. The ball floated into the box heading for the back post, but sailed fractionally too far for the waiting head of Brendan crossing the line for a goal kick.

This would be the last chance for the half for both teams and AC hit the sheds with a mini victory, holding the title challengers to 0-0 at the break.

HALF TIME

The second half began an AC were immediately under pressure. A resurgent Bayside were clearly unhappy with how the first half unfolded and were determined to make amends, promising goals. Four minutes in and they made good on their promise as they took advantage of an AC defensive lapse, finding the back of the net; 1-0.

The free flowing run from Marty, Brendan and Steve had dried up. The Argonauts, like a boa constrictor, had cut of Hendy’s supply and now heaped pressure on the defence. They had Pinkney, Tim and co scrambling to clear the ball far too frequently.

What followed was the “yellow period”. An over zealous AC was starting to take risks and make mistakes. Firstly, JT imposed himself on the opposition to earn himself the first yellow car of the game. Then, not to be outdone Tim dove in for a challenge earning him a shiny yellow piece of plastic. Feeling left out, and wanting to get into the blog, Pricey decide to lift the boot a little too high for a ball and he too was rewarded completing the trio of yellows.

Despite holding the control and domination, the Argonauts were unable to breach the defence again. AC held on for a honourable 1-0 loss against league heavy weights, but the loss almost guarantees relegation for lads. The only question now that remains, with four games to play, is can AC make like a submarine and get off the bottom?

AC Malvern 0 – 1 Jason and the Argonauts

Mannie’s man of the match: Mark Henderson
WAG’s man of the match: Colin Brien

Useless fact:
- Season 2010 has been disastrous to say the least. AC now has the worst goal difference in the league and the equal most goals against. This season will see AC finish in it's lowest position since records were kept.

2010-08-05T13:43:00.000+10:00

The dawning of a new hope?

2010-08-04T14:07:00.000+10:00

They say the Westgate Bridge gets a “jumper a week”. AC Malvern, already at the bottom of it, headed yonder to Port Melbourne to tackle a highly regarded Old Melbournian line-up.

Be it the Golden Gate, Sydney’s Harbour Bridge or the Ponte Vecchio – all embody prosperity and optimism in a bustling city. For AC, the ‘Westy’ was to bear witness to 13 Kamikaze’s in red and black, trying their utmost to salvage league survival in one of the most challenging seasons in the clubs history to date.

Despite being victims to the 11am red-eye, opulent amenities resembling a Hyatt bathroom (be even better once they get the hot water on) and a pitch Etihad Stadium would kill for, had the Malvernians upbeat and full of hope for this clash.

Pre-game, and Richie Cunningham (a.k.a the ref) was on hand to offer up his ethos on officiating the game in his best “hey, kids - say no to drugs” type of way. Making it clear that swearing was ok, so long as it’s not directed at him, or any other player -what the fricken else is there then?

Oh…and he also cheekily threw in that he has a “short fuse”.

The AC casualty list again forced changes, Duncan a late withdrawal, and 2nd choice keeper Tim again in the No. 1 shirt in the absence of Wong. Fortunately, Damo packed the Groucho Marx disguise in the wake of last week’s acid tongue fuelled red card and was able to play. Captain Creswell, for the second weekend in a row would start under belated-impending-fatherhood-duress. A fly on the wall was to later hear resident obstetrician Pete Phillips expertly offer “I just hope it doesn’t come out sideways”……(???).

Nobody had forgotten that in their earlier clash, OM stole a last minute equaliser to break the hearts of the AC faithful. This time however, OM seemed determined not to find themselves in that position and started the much stronger, exploiting the wide spaces. A typically Port Melbourne gale was behind the home side, complemented by frosty (not just the silly nickname of the OM right winger) conditions that OM were probably well accustomed to.

A dominant display of possession, coupled with AC’s failure to allow OM far too much space out wide gave them early chances to put dangerous crosses forcing AC to scramble away. It wasn’t long before the first aerial raid of the day would bare fruit, as a wind assisted cross most keepers would call ‘bait’ quickly became the one that got away as it sailed over Tim’s head allowing the OM striker to comfortably head home. 1 nil.

The OM attacking raids continued, with AC taking longer to get into the game, however resuming their impressive passing movements of recent weeks when things did start to click. Again though, they allowed OM far too much space as they kept the AC defenders busy and rained down a barrage of, mostly misfired, shots goalward. On a pitch that was seemingly more square than rectangular, it became abundantly clear that the wings were the place to be as Pricey and Pete, showing great energy, moved the ball up and down the right, whilst Steve, Marty and Dave peppered the left with some short and neat passing. Then disaster, with OM continuing their run on the back of an early goal, a counter attack ensued with a fleeting run in from the wing, then finished with a low hard shot sneaking inside the near post for a second. 2 nil.

The tempo shifted as OM, rather than go in for an early kill, seemed to sit back and let AC start to dominate possession. With gusto, Jason began ferreting the ball away from the OM mids, on hand were Dave & Stu to impressively lay off some critical touches whilst intercepting much of OM’s passes through the midfield. After a couple of ambitious long balls in the direction of Hendy had the OM defenders on their guard, they were then on their backsides as he skipped past 3 or 4 defenders to narrowly shoot wide. The contest had truly begun and it was only a couple more solid minutes of football from a suddenly busy AC before Hendy would again be in space and fire home his 10th for the season. 2-1 into the break.

Half Time

Buoyed by self belief that an improbable comeback was taking place, AC started the second half a polar opposite to the first, the eagerness to level proceedings evident from the get go.

Not having things go all their own way was beginning to frustrate some OM, and AC was on the end of a couple of cheap and nasties. One git in particular stood out for the all blues – and it wasn’t just the red shorts and socks – as his inability to control the ball manifested in the form of jersey grabbing, abuse and tripping in his attempts to win back repeatedly lost possession.

AC got on with the job, OM fighting hard to repel wave after wave of attack. Yet another corner came AC’s way, with pinch hitter Owen making his presence felt and getting on to a header. It was Australia V Ghana all over again, as a Harry type moment ensued as the OM defender kept Owen’s shot out with his arm. Ref Cunningham, pointed to spot and gave only a yellow card. There was some justice, as Hendy stepped up and coolly slotted home his second of the day. OM sensed a loss at home brewing.

Tiring legs and a couple of AC injuries (including a kick in the nuts to Owen) saw necessary changes take place and OM take a minute to catch their breath. A run through the middle and then out wide found an overlap as Marty, doing a sensational job in getting back to assist the AC defenders, clumsily fell into the back of an OM actor who drew the penalty.

OM’s captain stepped up and drilled the ball into the roof of the net before Tim even had a chance to leave his line. But a restored lead meant nothing, and AC pressed forward, hard and wide whilst injecting more speed than the nearby Todd Rd servo truckie stop. OM, again well and truly on the back foot, were chasing AC passages of play and lucky not to have 2 or 3 past them in quick succession. After desperate scrambling and a clearance or two off the line, AC was finally rewarded as Jason capped off a jinking run with a ripping goal to again equalise. 3 each and it was turning into a classic.

The next several minutes of play saw AC with as many as half a dozen opportunities to claim the lead for the first time, and you got the feeling they wouldn’t be looking back if they got in front. An inspirational passage of play from Steve beating four opponents and turning defence into attack, found the speed of Marty who got himself into enough space to unleash a shot just after the crossbar.

The AC back four, though weary, tightened and the talk was good with limited space given away between themselves and Tim in goals. OM, to their credit put in a final hard five minutes – including an overhead bicycle kick Steady Eddy would be proud of which was accurately described as “rubbish” from a teammate.

Then, an OM free kick found the head of a loose forward, with Tim only able to parry the shot into the post as it fortuitously bounced back off the woodwork and into the back of his head finally before finally resting in the back of the net (he would later claim it as his first AC goal). An unlikely last minute equaliser so nearly fell AC’s way, as Jason, a standout in a quality team display, came within a bee’s dick of getting onto a last ditch cross. The final whistle equalled sighs of relief from OM in a very entertaining game of football.

AC Malvern 3 - 4 OM
Henderson 2, Byrne

Mannies Man of the Match: Jason Byrne

WAG's Man of the Match: Hendy

OM might’ve won the war, but AC claimed many of the battles – A magnificent effort against one of the better sides in the competition – fought right to the end. The character and determination to claw back a two goal deficit and twice equalise was as good as we’ve seen from the red and black this year. The sort of commitment will guarantee an 11th hour survival in the league! Chins up - probably our best game of the season despite being a loss.

The mathmatics of football: numbers and triangles

2010-07-29T18:21:00.001+10:00

You’ll hear this many times over the coming weeks, but this is the first in a series of MUST win games for the lads of AC Malvern. The season was starting to gain momentum and relegation was potentially something that was very much in the rear view mirror. Then last week happened, and now the sad truth is that relegation may in fact be a lot closer than once thought.

The day didn’t begin too well when it was pointed out to Dennis that he’d purchased yellow line paint, not white, but like a true optimist Dennis suggested that “it’ll look better, a change is as good as a holiday”. The reality is it look weird an evidence that his brain may be on a holiday.

The yokels from Berwick rolled up in their Massey Ferguson’s, (winner of Tractor of the year in 2009) aghast as they watched a very unconventional warm up from the home team. Twelve lads, a video camera an shots towards goal..all end of season party preparation I’m told.

Last time these two teams met, it was a goal fest, with eight finding the back of the net in the 5-3 win to Berwick. So the building crowd expected a great deal from this game. The major challenge for the crowd, the ref and players alike was once again being able to tell the teams apart as there was yet another kit clash. Split Enz summed it up best when they sung “I see red, I see red, I see red. I see reeeeeeed. I SEE RED!” Crazy times.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKj4upY1VYI

AC were buoyed as the team statistician did a count, built a model in a spreadsheet and concluded that Berwick only lined up with nine players for the first five minutes. Advantage AC, well in theory, but AC couldn’t take advantage of their numerical supremacy. Then with the numbers balanced at 5:30 into the game after the late arrival of some, the Yokels managed to find a way past Wong to take the lead; 0-1.

The soon to be dad, Captain Cresswell responded almost immediately, but pushed the ball wide of the net. What followed was a frantic period where neither team was allowed to settle and shot after shot tested both keepers. Then, 12 minutes in Hendy, like Moses, parted the Red Sea and drove the ball home from outside the box and was determined to lead his team to the Promised Land, the land of victory. 1-1.

Both teams battled away, struggling for the ascendancy with no one finding the key move, tactical change or brilliant pass pull it off. AC were trying everything; long lobs into the path of a rampaging Hendy, quick movement through Pete and Marty on the wings and even channeling the ball through the sure footed midfield of Dave, Jay and Captain Cresswell. Despite the variety of approaches and many shots, all were off target.

Unfortunately for AC, Berwick managed to penetrate the defense and slot another past Wongy to go into the break with a slender lead. Incidentally, the ref blew the whistle a little early, calling the half to an end at 42:13. Not the first time this has happened this season and no surprise that he was not interested in engaging in conversation over the matter, but at least he knows Big Brother, or little Dennis is watching.

HALF TIME

The second half began with promise and hope and an attack minded AC. Back to basics football was the order with balls being played along the ground to maintain control. Find of the year, Dave was showing he paid attention in High School showing a practical application of Pythagoras theorem and geometry as he worked down the pitch using triangle passes to gain forward momentum. Unfortunately though it resulted in about the same level of joy as playing the triangle in the school band; none, with attacks being mopped up at will.

The final blow came as the usually quiet Damo was shown two yellows in a double barrel move by the ref an ordered off the pitch for talking out of turn. Maybe next time Damo will put his hand up first and wait to be addressed? The second crazy re card for the year for Malvern.

With the numbers stacked in favour of the Yokels another goal was inevitable and it came ten minutes after the send off. The score was a VERY familiar 3-1 to Berwick.

A defiant AC wasn’t willing to give up, pushing forward with an unconventional formation of 3-3-3 which was causing problems. Time unfortunately wasn’t on their side and the sun had set on this battle with Berwick holding out for the 3-1 win.

The scoreline, 3-1, is now all the rage as this was the seventh match for AC with the aforementioned result, with only two of them being victories.

After the dust settled and the ladder was updated; AC Malvern now find themselves square on the bottom of the table and staring straight down the barrel of relegation. The only thing on their side is the fairly tight battle between the bottom five teams meaning a couple of sneaky wins may save the day and their pride.

AC Malvern 1 – 3 Berwick City
Henderson

Mannies Man of the Match: Dave [insert surname here]
WAG's Man of the Match: After long debate, Matthew Pinkney

News:
- Steve is still yet to be a dad. Chances are Sarah will time delivery for Sunday morning around kick off, but known Steve he'll tell her to wait until he gets back from football.
- Rafa Dennis has this week stepped down from coaching AC suggesting that he can only give so much. The truth is that the players staged a revolved akin to the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey's (France) in the World Cup and demanded Coach Norf Lundon back. So, rumour has it the statistically more successful Lundon will return for this weeks clash, probably dunk. As a protest chief WAG, Laurie will boycott attendance, but be checking the internet for score updates.

A dark day......in the mud.

2010-07-21T18:47:00.001+10:00

It was an ice cold wind that greeted the players of AC at Deepdene Reserve on Sunday. This has been an unhappy hunting ground and the signs were ominous from the start; players pulling out, ring-in’s arriving without boots, shorts or socks and a pitch with a split personality. The wings and penalty areas were pristine and lush like a bowling green; however the centre was straight out of the mud soccer world cup, pictured.

The silver lining amongst the cloud of despair was the arrival of a reasonable ref. The now nominated, Ref of the year (ROY), allowed for a democratic process when deciding if the game should go ahead. “We’re here, we’re dress so let’s play” agreed the AC and Ol’ Camberwell coaches and so it was to be game on with a minor caveat. ROY had decided that if a player has the ball in the mud heap and someone comes close to tackling it’s an auto free kick. It seems that Occupational Health and Safety transcends the workplace and has well and truly arrived on the sporting pitches.

ROY signalled the beginning of the game, and the mud crabs kicked off proceedings. The early going was tough as players from both teams struggled to adjust to the variability of the ball movement with plenty over running it in the midfield.

Such was the excitement on the pitch that the spectators turned to Basil the Bullmastiff to provide entertainment who didn’t disappoint. Basil is a noted wallet thief and he went about showing a captive audience how he goes about it. A sudden bark and gesture toward the pitch and Basil dragged the viewer’s attention back to the game.

What unfolded next had everyone wishing that they were watching ANYTHING else! A long back pass from the foot of Dave sailed toward Wong. Like watching a slow mo replay we watched a David James moment unfold where the ball eventually landed square in his hands. ROY had no choice, but to offer a free kick in the box at VERY close range. Fortunately for AC the kick was taken and was cleared without finding the net prompting Hollywood directors to ponder a new film; Richard Wong in the Greatest Escape. [Ed note: this happened a second time, but ROY let the second one slide]

Captain Cresswell and Dave were doing their best to control the midfield/mud bath, but the OC were playing better than their second last place suggests. Balls were pushed forward at will and it wasn’t too long until the OC players found themselves one on one with Wongy. With the odds stacked against the AC keeper the OC boys found the back of the net twice in quick succession.

An angry AC hit the showers bitter about what had transpired in the first half. The score was OC 2 – AC 0 and Basil had acquired three wallets.

HALF TIME

What would happen in the second half? Well, what would unfold would be an all out attack from OC which pushed the limits of AC’s defence.

The talisman, Rich Owen was the central figure in making some key clearances and saving the gloves of Wong. When the back four were penetrated early, Wong was up to the challenge making some important saves.

As the game matured attacks grew in number and it was like trying to stop a waterfall with a glass; you can save a little, but it’s inevitable that you’ll be flooded. The flood came in the form of OC’s number 15. His run down the wing was far too much for both Pricey and Tim to handle and he found himself in scoring positions all too frequently. Eventually a goal would be the result and the celebration of the ball finding the net would be started by number 15.

Pete sensing the sinking ship took it upon himself to cover every inch of the pitch in order to help shut tOC down. His lung busting runs would find him deep in defence and right up to AC’s box attacking and getting on the end of AC’s only two chances for the half, and possibly for the game.

Soon enough the nemesis, 15, would breach the AC wingers and defence before playing in another OC lad to place the ball past Wong and a healthy 4-0 lead.

The game ended; AC got taught a football lesson and ROY is a certainty as AC’s favourite ref. It was only later that OC admitted their lowly ladder position was a result of three of the games getting cancelled this year, thus losing the points. Unfortunately this doesn’t change the result nor warm the hearts of AC as they need to regroup before hosting a visiting Berwick City.

It was an ice cold wind as AC left Deepdene Reserve on Sunday.

AC Malvern 0 - 4 OC

Mannies man of the match: Pete Phillips
WAG man of the match: Steve Cresswell

News:
- Jay is back for the Berwick game and his wallet is no lighter......
- Sparky's back from the UK and his wallet is lighter for all the summer beers
- Basil will front pets court this week, charged with the theft 15 wallets

AC on TV, well kind of......(i)TV

2010-07-16T16:12:00.001+10:00

Issues with technology seems to be the hot topic at the moment; from the new iPhone to Myki ticketing systems, technology seems to be an inhibitor rather than an enabler. What does this have to do with humble ol' AC Malvern? Well, technology played it's part in making this weeks post a late one. Well, either technology, or just plain laziness. I'll let you decide!

The lads from the city, well Nunawading City made the journey to the Stadium of Shite this week. The first meeting of these "gladiators" was on Anzac day when AC came out on top 3-1 in an enthralling battle over a shortened game time.

Fingers were crossed today as we waited to see who our ref would be, especially having suffered fools more recently. The ref today would be an important figure as the co-tenants hadn't marked the pitch pre-game which could have resulted in the whole thing being called off. Fortunately for AC a reasonable gentlemen arrived and the game was allowed to continue. As a back up, the ever creative lads were going to ask Pete to lay on the pitch nude to distract with his blindingly white skin. Fortunately this wasn't needed.

A very different looking Nuna took to the pitch, a little less pre-pubesant this time and the game began. The early going was controlled by Nuna who constantly put the AC defense under pressure. Coach Rafa Dennis, sensing an issue switched back to the conventional back four which provided some much needed stabilisation. From here it was a fairly balanced affair until Nuna took a shot and snuck a goal through the legs of Wongy.

AC, not to be outdone went on the attack immediately after with a run down right wing from Pete which resulted in a free kick. A beautifully struck cross by [insert name here] found Jay floating in like his idol Timmy Cahill before heading home the goal; 1-1.

The momentum was now with AC now, but could only manage to end up winning corners, with the corner count 14-1 in the first half. This was looking to be a day when the boys from Malvern where plum out of luck and they would have to rely on cunning skill.

The remained of the first half had very few highlights, but there were a couple of standout moments. First, Wongy was keeping AC in the game with some cracking saves making up for an earlier faux pas. The second was from the Riverdance specialist, Pricey. A little shuffle of the feet in the midfield before taking the ball and striding forward and unleashing a thunderous strike from around 105 metres out (in the gospel according to Price). The ball sailed through the air goal ward as all and sundry held their breath to see what unfolded........Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh came the collective response as the ball sailed just over the crossbar. A close call, but enough to get a rye smile for the Price as he kissed his right Predator.

HALF TIME

The ref barely had time to pull the whistle out of his mouth before Jay was to score his second goal, in the video below:

AC was to score again, with Hendy playing the opportune striker as shown in the video below:

Despite a multitude of chances AC were unable to hammer home another goal, repeating the scoreline from earlier in the season, 3-1. The win gives them a little breathing space from the bottom of the ladder.

AC now has some momentum with two wins from three games and goes into the early morning game against Old Camberwell this week with a little confidence.

AC Malvern 3 - 1 Nunawading Country
Byrne 2, Henderson

Mannie Man of the match: Jason Byrne
WAG's Man of the match: Dave

Bits an bobs:
- Rich Owen has been given a reprieve on his sentence having it reduced to two weeks. The kind folk at the FFV determined that he was indeed a good bloke, but not a great bloke.
- Sportsbet have Jay at unbackable odds ($1.10) that he will be soon planning his wedding with AC wag Lou after a romantic trip to Tassie.
- AC's "philanthropis" Pricey will have to pull up on his generosity after purchasing a place this week. I assume he'll still pay Pete the $10 he owes him from Sydney?
- we're officially global.....

The verdict is in......THE PEANUT REF WINS

2010-07-08T14:03:00.003+10:00

The tribunal & disciplinary coordinator, Mr Kosta Dokolas has handed down his findings on the incident in which Mr Owen gave a little retaliatory shove to an opponent. The details are below:

FIXED PENALTY SUSPENSION

Penalty imposed for Richard Owen is:

Offence: Offensive, insulting, abusive or intimidating language and/or gestures toward a Club Associate(s) or spectator

Grading: (R6.1_1) 1. Provoked by a tackle or similar action

Date of Offence: 6/27/2010

Suspended for: Auto + 2
So that's a three week holiday and without even swinging a punch. I'm puzzled.....farcical considering the instigator didn't even get a warning!

2010-07-02T19:18:00.002+10:00

Simply Red

2010-07-01T16:25:00.004+10:00

“Pumped up and full of fight; we want to put this season right!” blared from the radio’s of AC as they moved in convoy to the outer suburb of Wheelers Hill, which is known as Brighton of the burbs. Truth be known, Wheelers Hill is the centre of the Arctic Circle and home of some stunning views of GIANT power lines. Guess I’d neve make a great Real Estate agent writer with my descriptions.

Caulfied Grammer has been flying so far this season and a win here would see them potentially steal top spot from Bayside Argonauts. So, AC would have their work cut out this week as they battled with the elite of the league and the Northern Ireland reserves squad. This fixture however has always been a good battle between these two teams with the win/loss ledger fairly balanced.
The black storm clouds were gathering when the ref FINALLY arrived to officiate proceedings for the day. He then called both teams into the middle of the park to form a circle and deliver his sermon called “the gospel according to a peanut”. Ominous signs for the day ahead, amplified by the fact that a yellow card was handed out to a CG player for having a piece of jewellery on. Yep, the ego had landed and he was undoubtedly going to have some influence on the day.

Lining up with the same formation (3-1-4-2) that sunk the Purple Eagles; AC weren’t intimidated with the might of Caulfied. Coach Rafa Dennis opted with the strike force of Hendy and Stew with pre-match instructions to Stew “You wanted your chance. So this is it; score a goal today”.

The game began and AC were like champion racehorse; attacking straight out of the gates. Attack after attack came up the right wing with Pete dazzling them with his speed. A stunned Caulfield were on the back foot and struggled to combat the intensely focused Malvern and it wouldn’t be long before AC would take advantage.

One such attack from the right saw Hendy end up with the ball in the box, then take aim and shoot only to have the keeper block the shot. Showing striker instincts, Flemo followed the ball in and pushed the ball past the keeper. A very happy goal scorer was heard yelling to Rafa on the sideline “Ivan, there you go!”

AC continued to bamboozle Caulfield for the next twenty minutes, but like true champs Caulfield wrestled their way back into the game. Finally at the 28th minute they answered with a goal to draw the game level.

Lethargy, or apathy kicked in and the Malvernites lost their shape, control and way. The back four were no longer a back four with many streaming forward in search of goal or glory. Midfielders were struggling to track back to cover the gaps exposing the remaining defenders. The gaps meant Caulfield managed to bang on another two goals without response and all was looking lost at 1-3.

A few tactical changes had to be made and Marty and Pete were moved back on the wings by Rafa. The back four regained their shape, and Sparky was stamping out some dangerous foray’s forward with his speed and chasing ability. The change stemmed the goal haemorrhage and even shifted the balance of power. Malvern resumed their attacks, this time coming from both wings.

Hendy picked up a ball played into space and charged toward goal. The goalie had come of his line and Hendy, ever the physics student, calculated that the best option would be a lob from 35m out. The ball, unlike the Jabulani, sailed beautifully through the air clearing the keeper and finding the back of the net. Could it be? Was this a comeback? 2-3.

In steped Captain Peanut who exerted his influence on the match. First, was a yellow card to Captain Cresswell for that sake of it as far as we can tell? Then, as Pete returned from a small break on the pine, the card was raised for coming back onto the ground from the wrong spot. AC was rattled and lost focus allowing Caulfied to take advantage and slot home a shattering fourth goal. 2-4

What happened next was nothing short of farcical. Rich Owen was given a little shove off the ball and decided to return the favour. Both players then moved on before Captain Peanut showed Rich a red card and asked him to head to the showers (pictured above).

AC was stunned, but determined and a ten men Malvern took it to the Caulfield boys. The lads were doing the best to prove the theory that ten men are harder to defend than eleven and it was working.

A panicked Caulfield defender took a rampant Hendy down on route to goal, but avoided the red card for being last man. There’s nothing like a consistent approach to refereeing a game, but hey. A free kick was awarded and the super Italian boots of the Scottish lad put it past the keeper. 3-4

Unfortunately, despite further attempts on goal the day would end in a disappointing, but confidence building 4-3 loss, especially considering it was against title hopeful in Caulfield. The good news of the day is that the rain clouds held off.

Another FFA enforced week off means another rest for the aging elite before lining up against Nunawading. Once again the challenge maybe getting people on the pitch with Owen suspended, Sparky and Colin overseas and Dave twanging his hammy during the game.

AC Malvern 3 – 4 Caulfield
Henderson 2, Fleming

Mannie’s man of the match: Pete Phillips
WAG’s man of the match: Mark Henderson

The Eagles have landed!

2010-06-24T15:02:00.002+10:00

Fresh after the weeks break AC arrived at Balwyn ready, well ready to have an in-depth conversation and deep analysis into; the infamous Harry Kewell hand ball, the All Whites and of course team Ingerland’s insipid performance to date. This may have been just the pre-game distraction required for AC to forget about the mounting pressure for a win.

The home of Boorandara’s Purple Eagles, Hislop Reserve, was like stepping out on a pitch in Ol’ Ingerland. The rain was falling, the pitch heavy and both boxes caked in mud; perfect for football.
A pre match vote was taken and it was unanimous; Tim would line up in goal in place of the injured Wong (mainly cause he was the only one not in the rooms at that time). Poor Tim had arrived with new boots ready to thump balls out of defence, but not from the very last line. Tim’s fate was clear and like a true champion, in a time of crisis, he stood up for his team.

Kick off, and much of the early going was like watching a high school dance. Both teams were feeling each other out; AC being the dominant male, and fittingly the purple eagles filling the female role.

Seventeen minutes in Damo, the proud Kiwi, picked the pocket of an Eagle attacker and charged down the left wing with the ball before sliding it into the box to Shane Smeltz, I mean Hendo. Hendo then turned provider laying off to Norn-Iron Pete who slotted home his second for the season; 1-0

You guessed it, five minutes later then Purple Eagle’s managed to answer and level the game up; 1-1.

AC’s were buoyed by the underdog’s performance in the World Cup so far and decided to take it to the highly fancied Eagles. Despite a minor confusion with substitutions, the back three were dominant, not letting a thing through. For the first time this year Malvern were using their wings with Marty and Phillips controlling the wide balls and creating chances for the front paring of Ralpha and Hendy.

The front pairing would combine brilliantly with Ralpha playing through Hendy to have him one on one with the keeper. Hendy did what Hendy does, dancing around the keeper and scoring Malvern’s second. Then in an uncharacteristic move he charged down the corner flag, pulled it out and did his best impersonation of Craig Bellamy’s controversial goal celebration, pictured. Look for the coming weeks where we are sure to see him copy Robbie Fowler’s line sniffing celebration. This little furry Meerkat can’t wait for that one.

Just before the break the Eagles started to challenge, unleashing shots on target, but stand in keeper Tim, having a cracker of a game, was more than up for the challenge ensuring AC held their 2-1 lead.

HALF TIME

Joga Bonito, or play beautifully was the instruction at half time and the boys did not disappoint. Straight from the off they controlled possession and continued the elegant delivery forward evident in the first half.

An early attacking move from the Eagles was snuffed out quick smart. Pressured by Captain Cresswell, the Eagles allowed Pete to steal the ball, then turn and go. He charged down the right, returning the favour from earlier by laying off to Hendy. Hendy, unselfishly played in Marty who banged home his second for the season; 3-1.

Plenty of chances came and went for both teams with inaccuracy costing Malvern but Tim countless saves keeping the score line at 3-1.

With ten minutes to go, and AC looking likely for to hold on for a surprise victory; Marty stepped up to seal the Eagles fate. The Monster controlled the ball outside the box and had plenty of goal scoring options at his disposal. Instead he launched his boot into the ball and found the back of the net from distance. 4-1

The Eagles had a chance late with a free kick within range. The resident Balwyn Geezer stepped up and curled past the wall. Twinkle Toes Tim looking more like Rubber Man stretched and pushed the ball over the bar for a great save.

The final whistle went soon after and a new sense of belief is starting to build. This week’s game again without Wong, will be a tough test. Lining up against second place Caulfield Grammer, AC need only look to NZ and the All Whites for inspiration.

AC Malvern 4 – 1 Eagles
Marty 2, Henderson, Phillips

Mannie’s man of the match: Tim Nolan
WAG’s man of the match: Rich Owen

News in brief:
- The AC Malvern Blog has reach a milestone; 1,000 hits. Regular visitors feature from near and far. The UK, Ireland, USA, Span, Russia and of course Australia.

2010-06-20T17:40:00.001+10:00

42 minutes of fun, then done.......the end is nigh!

2010-06-08T21:52:00.004+10:00

The Stadium of Sh*t this week played host to the final match before the season break and a well earned rest for the lads in red and black. AC would line up against the only team below them; Old Scotch.

Scotch College is a school that promotes itself as the incubator of our nation’s future leaders. A testament to their tag line is a distinguished list of alumni that includes no less than; three Governer-Generals, one Prime Minister, four Justices of the High Court, eight State Premiers and one cast member of the highly successful Channel Ten series; House. Would we be lucky enough to see a little Johnny Howard or even a Kevin07 amongst them today? Only time would tell.

I said last week that AC plays like champions against the leagues elite and dogs against the cellar dwellers, or something like that. Well, this week would be no different.

Lining up for yet another match where we encounter another kit clash and the resultant sea of red, AC were confident of a win. The ref quickly established a way to tell the difference between the teams. Instead of the traditional shirts and skins, it was a case of collars popped and not.
The match started with much of the possession controlled by AC who strung passes together and managed to force turnovers at will. As has been the case for most of the season AC lacked the potency in the final third; missing many opportunities to gain ascendancy on the scoreboard.

A beautiful piece of work that started with Hendy snatching the ball from an OS opponent and delivering to Captain Cresswell before channelling the ball through to Coults, then Tim and back to Captain Cresswell. A fantastic build up and an illustration of the domination and control through the midfield; however the lobbed through ball found no one running into the space and an easy clearance from the future leaders. AC was playing true AFC football, or in golfing terms they were driving for show, but not able to putt for the dough.

Ralpha was next to step up and try drive one into the back of the net. A free kick outside the box ; this is the big mans bread and butter, but today he cleared the wall and landed it plum in the hands of the goal keeper.

Scotch weren’t without their chances, but a cat like Wong was up for the task making a few good saves. It seems that the mid week training session with club legend and former goalkeeper Jack paid huge dividends. So much so, that the entire team will be embarking on mid week training for here on in. Very un-AC like!

Attacking runs from Flemo, Coults and the debutant QV were causing problems, but it wasn’t until the 39th minute that things would change. Captain Cresswell played the ball beautifully along the ground from a free kick attempting to find Hendy. First to pounce on this occasion was Marty Monster with his back to gaols. Marty shimmied left, then dropped the shoulder and spun right before unleashing from outside the box and finding the bottom left corner. 1-0

Of course AC would try hold out until half time with a lead, and of course this would not happen. The lead was surrendered in the 43 minutes from an OS corner. The ball floated in and confused defenders lost sight of it until it was sliding into the back of the net. 1-1

HALF TIME

Something happened in the rooms at half time. What it was exactly is more mysterious than Rafa’s half time speech in the 2005 Champions League final. Unfortunately, unlike that day in May 2005 the result would be the polar opposite. AC started the second half looking like a team of under tens, ball chasing.

All fluency and control from the first half had disappeared and the boys were content with lobbing long balls forward to no one in particular. OS were starting to take over proceedings and didn’t their supporters love it.

The ref took time out from his busy schedule of overseeing the match to acquaint himself with the Old Scotch supporters (pictured). All were dressed splendidly in Ralph Lauren polo’s with collars “popped”. The smug bunch was standing by sipping Verve and eating Caviar that their servants had prepared earlier and weren’t ready for what happened next. The Ref clearly not understanding their status in society, reprimanded them suggesting that “such indulgence had no place on the sidelines of football match. It would be more at home on the Polo fields of Portsea”. The upset bunch put away the booze and returned to supporting their beloved Old Scotch.

This is a public service announcement: The only, and I mean only person who looks cool with their collar popped is Eric Cantona (pictured) after slotting home a winner.

Back to the match: A despondent and lost Malvern dropped their bundle and despite numerous tactical changes by Rafa Dennis, OS managed to slot home two goals to lead 3-1.

A few late chances came about, the highlight being a run down the left wing from QV who crossed back into the centre of the box, but without result.

Today was a dirty day for Malvern on the pitch and they go into the break with the unenviable label of bottom placed team; staring down the barrel of relegation. One can only hope that the boys rally and revisit the form of last year where last place at the break they then ended up with a forth place finish and promotion.

AC Malvern 1 – 3 Scotch Collars
Marty

Mannie’s man of the match: Marty Matthews
WAG’s man of the match: Steve Cresswell

News in brief:
- Coach Rafa Dennis is in discussion with AC management to negaotiate the terms of the early payout of his contract.

If only games were 37.9 minutes

2010-06-02T20:54:00.001+10:00

The lads from AC finally picked themselves up off the canvas after a draining battle against the boys from Bayside. The game had taken its toll; in fact the season was starting to take its toll on the ageing elite. Discussion at the selection table this week would be short and sweet. “Who has two legs and a heartbeat? They’re in and do they have friends?”

Coming up against the might of South Yarra this week AC had an injury list longer than Tommy Lee’s swollen appendage. Missing from the line up was; Henderson (groin), Coulter (groin), Nolan (groin), Brien (probably groin), Dennis (who on earth knows why, but we’ll say groin), Damo (hung over from Kiwi’s win over Serbia), Mota (GIANT laceration across the cranium) and who could forget Pricey who was off on a romantic smoke free weekend (so is likely to be out with next week with a groin).

The day provided a few challenges even before kick off. Arriving to mark the pitch pre-game the lads found a deficiency of paint in the cobweb riddled cupboards and with the ref threatening to call off the game, it was panic stations. Never fear though, Sparky Coulter resorted back to line marking methods from yesteryear rolling out a wheelbarrow full of chalk around the park. After hand painting the pitch Pro Hart style he looked like an Olympic gymnast with obsessive compulsive disorder (pictured).

The final challenge at the Stadium of Sh*te, apart from toppling the second placed team, was South Yarra’s inability to provide an away strip causing a ridiculous kit clash.

Finally we are ready for kick off and would reputation count for anything? If so, South Yarra would waltz to a double digit win today.

What I love about good ol’ AC is their ability to lift for games like this and take it to the higher placed teams. Of course the inverse is true as the play terrible against the lower placed teams. That aside, SY kicked off proceedings with the intensely strong wind and they looked rattled against a determined AC. Now I’m not certain if it was the kit clash, or a very determined AC, but SY just couldn’t keep the ball.

AC looked poise, polished and uncharacteristically controlled over the ball. The first heart fluttering moment came in the sixth minute. A ball into the box had SY clambering to clear, but with panic evident the result was a hand ball just outside the box. Ralpha, salivating at the chance stepped up and curled the ball past the wall and out of reach of the diving keeper, finding the top right corner. Goal, 1-0 could this be an upset in the making?

Three minutes later, against the run of play, SY shimmied forward before unleashing a cracking shot at goal only to have a fully out stretched Wong push the ball over the crossbar.

What followed was a half where AC dominated possession as well as physical intimidation of the yappy SY snipers. The AC newbies; Ted, Dave and Matt all playing well and with Pete and Marty dominating the wings, and Owen and Pinkney directing defence, things were looking good for a shock result if they could hold out.

AC nearly held out, but 38 minutes in their luck ran out. A dubious handball call inside the SY box warranted the ref to blow his whistle and point to the spot. Rubbing salt into the wound the SY keeper stepped up to take the kick and duly slotted home; 1-1.

HALF TIME

The second half started with AC trying to dominate with the wind at their backs; however cracks were showing in their fitness. SY were starting to get back into the game and use the ball wisely. An arm wrestle ensued in tandem with a physical and verbal battle. AC was winning the physical and verbal, but that doesn’t affect the scoreboard, with SY managing to slot home a goal. 1-2

AC’s chance to redeem came via a free kick outside the box with Jay taking over free kick duties. The plucky Irish lad put his right Copa Mundial boot through the ball and rocketed it goal-ward. The thunderous strike smashed the crossbar and upright before heading wide. No goal and no luck.

South Yarra would pile on two more goals as the boys ran out of steam and the injury count grew further. The question wasn’t what would the result be, but who would still be standing for next week’s game?

With 90 minutes gone and five goals into the nets a deflated AC walked off only to have to listen to a less than humble SY chant their club song. An echoing sound which more at home in the terraces in London. Who on earth does that at this level? So very, very under 12’s.

Another “honourable” loss for AC and the path ahead leads to a bottom of the table clash against the fiscal elite of Old Scotch. Ac need look no further than this little peach for inspiration:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uq_cwwWcyqQ

AC Malvern 1 – 4 Under 12 choir boys

Ralpha

Mannie's Man of the match: Rich Owen

WAG's Man of the match: Ted

News in brief:

The WAG’s were beside themselves with laughter this week. They now think that they have found an unbeatable candidate for the worst haircut of season 2010. South Yarra’s “Rat Boy” has taken the title with his shaved head and sh*tlocks

Rumour is rife of an early return for Hendy marking the bottom of the table shoot out this week as the most likely return

Useless stat:

45.5% of goals this season have come from set pieces

Retreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat, we're under fire!

2010-05-25T15:36:00.001+10:00

A beautiful sunny day and a trip down the peninsula to the Bayside Argonauts home; it conjures images of tranquillity, fun and dare I say it, frivolity. What would follow was a re-enactment of one of Australia (and New Zealand’s) most famous trips to a Turkish peninsula - Gallipoli. Today would be a day where an under strength AC would be showered, not with shells as the ANZAC’s were, but attacks and shots at goal from a rampaging collection of Argonauts.

Most of the disorganised and make shift AC arrived at Shipston Reserve focused and hopeful of close encounter. Sparky Coulter however had his mind elsewhere; almost missing the kick off for a big stack of homemade pancakes before being gently reminded of the 11AM kick off.

The great Oracle that is the magnetic team sheet imparted pre- match wisdom to the masses. The line up was a marginally defensive 4-5-1 which still allowed for a counter attack, should one present itself. However, knowing the quality of Bayside, these would be few and far between.

The whistle blew and it was no more that 23 seconds in that the Argonauts had their first shot on goal. A warning shot over the bow this time, but enough to sent panic into the camp and forced an automatic rethink from the coaching staff at the sideline and a reshaped formation of 5-4-1.

AC was allowed on average 0.4 seconds with the ball before being pressured and ultimately turning over possession. It was a clear case of “get it and twat it up the pitch” then recover for the next line of attack. With possession at a premium it was clear that the focus must shift to accountable football. Mark your man and track back to help the back five would be the order of the day. This of course was easier said than done, as it requires fitness levels of a team that trains which AC are not.

Attack after attack continued with most of the Argonauts foray’s forward coming down AC’s right wing. Pricey was having a nightmare on the right, exposing the right back to two or three attackers at once. The result was clear, and a hapless Malvern watched on as the Argonauts slotted home two goals before half time.

AC’s highlight package from the first half was; the now patented Pricey arms up stance, a yellow card to Flemo, who whilst on the bench and let the ref know his thoughts on proceedings “That’s bullsh*t”, with the third more comical than highlight. An AC player was taken down two meters inside the box, yet was not awarded a penalty. It seems the ref must have used up his seasons quota of penalties or there is a new FIFA rule being trailed in the FFV thirds. The result was a free kick was awarded but it was to be taken outside the box. Confused? We all were.....

The ref, sensing AC’s need for a break, and Rich Wong’s potential work cover claim for a sore back from picking the ball out of the net, shortened the half to 43:05.

AC went into half time knowing that a change was needed which was made more difficult with the injury to centre back Brien.

HALF TIME

A structural reshuffle to a less traditional formation that may need to be adopted by the Socceroos in South Africa of 9-2-0 may have helped, but Rafa Dennis and Hendy opted to keep the 5-4-1 with some key changes; R.J. Price to prowl the defence at right back and Damo to centre back.

The early going was tough and was shaping as a carbon copy of the first half with AC very much on the back foot. Taking advantage like a trained killer, the Argonauts slotted home two early goals and the signs were ominous for a belting, especially with Sparky Coulter hobbling off with hamstring knack. Injury count = two.

Determination is a lovely word, but it also describes what, in the face of such adversity, AC would display. Four nil down and like a punch drunk fighter against the ropes AC came out swinging; metaphorically speaking of course. The back four had now gelled and Price was dominating the right side of the field saying “this is my house get the f*** outta here”. Twinkle Toes Tim, back from a power walking hiatus was showing great speed, style and stamina on the left side. Add to this Damo and Pinkney controlling the centre of defence; the leaky sieve had now become the impenetrable force.

On the back of the performance of the Fantastic Four (refer left), the midfield started to see more of the ball. Ted, the quarterback, launched the attacks finding Jay and Steve who now were able to deliver to talisman, Ralpha.

Like a petulant child, the Argonauts were starting to get annoyed with the shift in power paying particular attention to the big cuddly Ralpha. The level of attention given to young Peter Seidel would, in the real world, require you to either buy him an expensive dinner or get him really drunk. Either way, it spurred the big man on, and AC had a couple of chances to get on the scoreboard but without result.

The game petered out to remain 4-0; however the boys should be commended for not letting it be a much bigger schalcking with a strong second half perfomance. AC clearly missed Owen and Hendy today, and with an ever increasing injury list, the big questions are being asked for the remainder of the season.

An equally formidable opponent lies in waiting this week. South Yarra or as they are otherwise know; the English National thirds team who are salivating and circling like vultures on the rotting carcass that is AC Malvern.

AC Malvern 0 – 4 Gallipoli Argonauts

Mannie’s man of the Match: R. Price

WAG’s man of the match: D. Beullens

Bits and bobs:

- Rafa Dennis looks to be on his last legs. Sources at the club indicating that this weeks game against South Yarra is his last chance to impress. Waiting in the wings for now is former Celtic ball boy, Mark Henderson.

- Pricey sights a phone conversation with Fabio Capello and English right back Glen Johnson as his inspiration for turning around his performance.

BREAKING NEWS: It's official

2010-05-20T16:36:00.001+10:00

The NOT SO lucky Irish

2010-05-20T15:59:00.003+10:00

On the eve of the festival of the boot in Sowf Affreeca, Coach Norf Lundon was given the call up to be team Enger-land’s assistant to the assistant of the assistant coach. So, with a blink of an eye CNL sobered up, packed his bags and bought a ticket on the first available Drunk Atlantic Airlines flight out of here. All ships need a leader, but with Coach Norf Lundan and Captain Cresswell away, it was left to the Not So Special One, “Rafa” Dennis to steer the HMAS AC Malvern.

Arriving what would be ordinarily perceived as early, the lads from AC found long time rivals, Old Melbournian’s kitted and running drills. This was a seriously focused and well drilled team fighting for an advantage and some breathing space up at the pointy end of the table. AC on the other hand was happy with mid table mediocrity given that they are the only team in the league not to train (unless you call Friday night sessions on the tiles training).

Kick off at the Stadium of Shite was followed by an intense and ferocious resolve from the boys of AC. Despite the difference in ladder positions AC were certainly on top of this game.

AC’s first chance came seven minutes in with a Hendy corner finding the head of “long pants” Winton at the back post whose header sailed agonisingly close. Only seven minutes later Hendy was involved again, this time a free kick from outside the box was curling in, only to have the keeper push the ball over the bar. The Wee Weegie had returned to form and would surely sink one today.

The lads from Malvern continued to dominate the affluent and educated lads from Old Melbourne without result. This is becoming a sorry tale of season 2010 for AC; playing well and sometimes dominating, but not getting the results required.

Three minutes left in the first half and against the tide, OM’s broke down the left wing to slot home a goal that would surely mentally destroy AC. Choosing not to drop their bundle, AC lifted further and the pressure and passion resulted in them winning a free kick outside the box. This time Hendy struck the ball, curled around the wall and found the back of the net; 1-1.

HALF TIME

Buoyed by the first half efforts and half time pats on the back from all an sundry, AC ran back on the pitch in front of what now had become a huge crowd.

George Best look-a-like, Engel was showing his class turning inside out the fitter and younger OM’s players, bedazzling them with his foot skills. AC continued to control the midfield with Jay, Dunc and Pete using the ball well, feeding Hendy and Price with opportunities to score. The best of the opportunities came just after the hour with a header from Rich Owen requiring a great save from the OM’s keeper.

OM’s full preseason and twice weekly training was starting to show its value. AC, without a preseason and any form of training (ever) were losing control of the midfield forcing a stellar effort from the back four. OM’s fitness showed and they kept running, and kept coming. A resilient defence combined with some cracking saves from Wong was all that was keeping Malvern on level terms.

The arm wrestle continued until the 80th minute when a ball from long pants Winton was pushed out to the left to a tiring Hendy. Hendy ran with it until within range and pulled the trigger, finding the back of the net for his second brace in as many weeks; 2-1. “I had to shoot, I canny run anymore” was the breathless statement from Glasgow’s wee lad.

In unfamiliar territory, AC fought tooth and nail to hold onto the surprise lead. With only one substitute and a building list of injuries, a special effort was required. Three minutes to go Ren put his body on the line, taking one for the team. When Ren eventually stood up after wasting precious time there was more claret flowing from his noggin than at a Spanish Fiesta. Fortunately for Ren we had Nurse Emma on the sidelines to assess the damage. The result was six stiches and scar for life which all unfolded in front of his wife and daughter.

Time was running out and AC looked to finally get reward from all their efforts this season. Surprisingly with the amount of Irish in this team you think luck would be on AC’s side, but alas it’s not. A Fergie time floating header found the back of the net with only 27 seconds left on the clock. OM’s had found the equaliser and AC was devastated.

The match finished 2-2 and AC certainly deserved a win, but that’s football and that’s why we love it.

AC Malvern 2 – 2 OM’s

Henderson 2

Mannie's man of the match: Colin Brien and Rich Wong (TIED)
WAG's man of the Match: Rich Owen

News in brief:

- Pricey has been linked with a sponsorship deal with Toblerone. Company spokesman saying “It’s the perfect fit, he runs around with Toblerone shaped boots in front of goal.”

Fireworks, body checks and vocal yokels

2010-05-12T21:49:00.007+10:00

iPod; check, lollies; check, map; check, perfect, all the things required for a long road trip. With a checklist like that, one could be mistaken for thinking that the boys of AC were about to embark on a road trip of biblical proportions. They were, in fact back in (Christopher) Columbus times Berwick would be considered off the edge of the (flat) earth, an unchartered land.

So, with passports in hand and fuel tanks full all and sundry headed WAY, WAY out South-East to Berwick “City’s” fortress which for the unfamiliar is just shy the iconic Moe. It may also be worth mentioning that the destination is famous for the Australian comedy hit, Kath & Kim being based on the area and its inhabitants. Would we see Kel Day on the sidelines?

Upon arrival we noted that the cows had been moved to a neighbouring paddock and tractors were parked in the shed, all was in readiness. The WAGS positioned themselves to get the best use of the unseasonal sun and talk about shopping when they were approached by a yokel from BCFC. The poor man had not seen that many women at a match let alone a flock of such quality. “Why are you here to watch the thirds? They’re sh*t” he chortled. I can only assume that their response was something along these lines “We’re here for a perve and these boys don’t move to fast. So we can get a real good look!”

We all remember back to the heated Mother’s day battle of 2009 which was brought us unity and the classic lines “Come on lads, calm down, it’s Mothers day” and “You’re ugly. You’re offensive to look at” and who’ll ever forget the “I’ll punch you in your throat you Ginger [censored by AC Malvern Lawyers]”. So what would this year bring us?

The teams took the immaculately manicured pitch and from the beginning it looked like being an intense and ferocious battle. It wasn’t long in when the battle took its first casualty with Dennis taking himself off after 7.3 minutes, sighting an inability to see. [ED Note: It could be argued that his lovely fiancée has lost the ability to see by choosing him] I bet his mum and dad were wrapped to make the journey to see him play for 7.3 minutes. Surely this was pants award worthy?

Back to the game……Berwick had the ascendency early, banking on AC taking time to adjust to the new time zone. Unlike most teams to date, Berwick took advantage and managed to get two quick goals past the birthday boy Captain Cresswell to have AC on the back foot.

With nap time over AC woke to a 2-0 score line which sparked them into action. The spine of Owen, Byrne and Henderson started to take control of proceedings and a goal was imminent.
Riverdance found himself in possession and lumped his right Predator into the ball pushing a speculative pass forward. Hendy, yet to score and desperate to break his duck, sensed a chance begging. He chased hard getting on the end of it and finding himself one on one with the vocal keeper. The wee wedgie kept his composure and scored number one for season 2010; 2-1.

Fireworks and heated words were now becoming the norm. Both playing groups were taking no prisoners and even the benches were getting involved. The WAG’s and Mr & Mrs Dennis were all extremely vocal in their support for AC and distain for the Berwick players and occupants of their bench. It was making for an intense atmosphere.

Jay was looking more like Lionel Messi, totally dominating the midfield, but AC just couldn’t convert despite a couple of good chances. Berwick on the other hand converted their only chance with a cracking goal finding the back of the net; 3-1.

The quality o the game had lifted a notch, matching the intensity from the sidelines. White line fever was starting to show on some players and Berwick gave away a silly free kick outside the box. AC’s Viduka, Ralpha stepped up to take the kick and opted for a short option (not a pun) finding Hendy outside the box on the right. What followed was a beautiful strike that saw the ball majestically fly past defenders and keeper alike. Hendy has number two, but importantly his mojo was back; 3-2.

AC was now playing the best we’ve seen for some time now. Stringing passes together and were intimidating in defence. Jay, playing a blinder continued to dominate, but now Flemming, Mota, Pinkney and Coulter in fact all had lifted and were desperate to beat this mob of hicks.

A sucker punch! Berwick slotted the second cracking and unstoppable goal leaving them up 4-2. AC were quick to respond though as Cresswell took a corner managing to find the head of a floating Owen who made no mistake; 4-3.

The crowd again lifted (if that’s possible) and the volume had now reached fever pitch. Bodies were clashing and AC had opportunities to draw the game level. Quickly though Berwick rode the luck train again getting a third freakish goal, indicating that it just wasn’t AC’s day. That’s unfortunately where the score line finished and both teams headed for the sheds knowing that they were just involved in a classic encounter and another intense Mother’s day battle. This little Meerkat can’t wait until the return leg in Malvern.

AC Malvern 3 - 5 Berwick Schitty
Henderson 2, Owen

Mannie's Man of the Match: Jason Byrne
WAG's man of the Match: Jason Byrne

Bits and Bobs:
- Rumour has it that two AC Players have breached the travel rules finiding themselves on the same plane from Sydney to Melbourne. Have they not learnt anything from Man United's Munich trip?
- Claire Henderson has now certainly lifted the bar in terms of support. She packed a lunch of beautiful fruit, cheese, avacado and biscuits only to have it shared amongst the masses that occupied the AC bench. This WAG's thing is gaining momentum. I expect it wont be too long before they bring along a bottle of crisp white whine to get through the games.

This week:
AC vs old foe, Ol' Melbourne at Central Park Malvern - 1 PM kick off

Old Camberwell reveal Malvern of old

2010-05-04T21:18:00.013+10:00

The AC Boys arrived at the Stadium of Shite pumped and expecting to break out some serious dance moves. The excitement and anticipation of pre-game entertainment delivered by DJ Sparkles, pictured right, had many of the lads arriving with break dance mats in toe. This would bring about the first disappointment of the day with a no show from the DJ himself. With an early morning sms from his manager stating; “Sparkles can’t make it today. He’s been asked to do a wicked set at 21st Century nightclub in Frankston.” It’s clear to us all that he’s moving up in the world; I hope he has Cold Chisel on his playlist.

Am I bias? Well I guess a little, but once again AC dominated proceedings early, but like last week, just couldn’t get the ball past the keeper. The frustration amongst the playing group, and the sole WAG watching on was growing and one could sense something, or someone would explode. More about that one later.

The back four, lead by Rich Owen were doing a fantastic job and with Captain Cresswell and Flemo dominating the midfield it was only a matter of time.

Hendy, missing from the scoresheet so far in season 2010 was intent on making an impact in other ways. Finding the ball at his feet out near Cranbourne, he weaved around defenders with more reliability than Metro Trains. The Wee Weegie covered the inner South Eastern suburbs, stopping all stations, before arriving just shy of the box at Central Park; on time and as scheduled (journey outline pictured left).

From just outside the box he delivered a precision pass into the path of a runaway train, newbie Flemo who slotted his first AC goal….toot-toot; 1-0.

Could the tide be turning? Yep, unfortunately the wrong way though.

What looked like a reprise of the classic musical “Goalie chasing the bouncy ball without success”, this time starring Mr Wong, saw him caught somewhere around the penalty spot as the ball freakishly bounced everywhere, but into the keeper’s hands (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Bb8P7dfjVw).

Unfortunately for Mr Wong, the ball was stopped from ending up road kill on Burke Road by the dastardly net; 1-1 and a tirade of abuse from Captain Creswell ensued.

Rich, not to be deflated by the mishap in goals, pulled out what can only be described as two of the best saves ever seen at the Stadium of Shite using deft reflexes by hand an foot to more than recover.

The unwell Marty Monster soon after found himself with a chance to recover the score line after being on the end of a delectable Hendy pass only to have his shot smash the upright and rocket away.

Frustration was bubbling and threatening to spill over. Ac’s dominance abated in the second half and the boys in red and black just couldn’t finish in the final third. Old Camberwell (OC) on the other hand were dominant from set pieces and around the box managing to slot home another two goals and hold a 3-1 lead.

You remember earlier I spoke of exploding. Well, the first instance was the return of the Dennis of old. A dangerous tackle from the OC midfielder, pinned the leg of the skinny right winger in front of the AC Members’ stand. The blood boiled, and the not so scary Dennis launched an attack stopping just short of swinging cut lunches. Which to be honest wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I think everyone held their breath, scared by the fact that the future Mrs Dennis was meters away with bag in hand and ready to pull the trigger with a follow up kick in the pants.

The second was a little more predictable, Steve, frustrated with proceedings and the fact that the lanky number seven was a twat; lashed out and connected a warning shot tempting things to kick off. Fortunately anger subsided and normal service was resumed.

The match then fizzled out to a devastating 3-1 loss for AC Malvern. Coach Norf Lundon couldn’t be contacted for comment, but Sparky (not related to DJ Sparkles) said “There’s always next week pal. We’re going for a lovely drive next week. A trip out to Berwick, I can’t wait. It’ll be canny fun” clearly missing the point about playing football.

AC Malvern 1 - 3 Old Camberwell

Flemo

Mannie Man of the match: Rich Wong

WAG Man of the match: Rich Owen

Interesting stat: Most assists for 2010 - Hendy

Berwick, this weeks destination, in summary
Former residents:
- Home of Australia’s first Olympian and gold medallist, Edwin Flack (800m & 1,500m)

- Former successful Celtic striker and unsuccessful Australian striker, Scott McDonald
- AFL games record holder, Michael Tuck
- 2009 AFL No.1 draft pick Tom Scully (Melbourne FC)

Other useless facts:
- Wikipedia tells me that “Berwick has its own large retailers including a Woolworths, a Coles and a Mitre 10”………how very civilised
- For those who get lost, set your Sat Nav with the following coordinates 38°02′28″S 145°20′56″E
-The most interesting fact is that the home ground of Berwick City (where Scott MacDonald started his career) is not in Berwick, but in Narre Warren North not far from Ersnt Wanke Road (for real) and within 200m of the former residence of Vanessa Amorosi. Bored yet? I am.......so, jump on your tractors and head out to support the boys this week.

Round three - a pictorial

2010-05-02T19:25:00.005+10:00

"Least we forget" sorry not enough time!

2010-04-27T21:14:00.014+10:00

At the dawning of a new day, ANZAC Day, Australian’s around the world paid tribute to those who have sacrificed their lives in wars past and present.

In sporting terms however, the day is famous for the classic annual match between Essendon and Collingwood at the MCG. This year though, AC would take the field WAY OUT east in Nunawading in a match of equal importance with both teams looking to notch up their first win for 2010.

The teams were keen to pay tribute to those who had passed, but in the words of the ref “the FFV are a bunch of f*** heads who can’t organise anything. I am going to have to shorten the length of your f****** game thanks to those pr*** because the game before you finished late and the under 14’s MUST start at 12:30PM. F**** idiots!” Now given that most of the Malvern lads had just woken up, and some may even still drunk; it took a while to sink in. Once it did though, the penny dropped that a shortened game against a team all under 30 years old could only be good for the aging elite of Malvern. So, both teams took the field sans tribute and playing 35 minute halves.

As the whistle went in front of the large crowd (Ed note: yep, even bigger than last week – the hype is building people), including a near full compliment of WAG’s, AC took the ascendancy and moved the ball around at will, just not into the back of the net.

Coach Norf Lundon went into the match with a defensive 5-3-2 formation and it was paying dividends. The wings were being controlled by lung busting runs from Coults on the left and Dennis on the right forcing the ball into the jokers in the middle. Whilst dominant AC were still without a result; that is, until……………………

A sweet ball delivered from the jokers in the middle to Captain Cresswell. He gathered and entered the box (don’t be dirty – how old are you, seriously?) from the left wing looking more like Alberto Tomba at the 88 Calgary games as he used the Nunawading defence as slalom gates whilst waltzing toward goal. Left, then right, then left again he went, before slotting the ball in the back of the net and picking up the football slalom gold medal for the perfect run; 1-0

Nunawading were quick to respond with a goal I really have no interest in going into the details of, but it should be noted that it was an unstoppable shot past the ever improving R. Wong; 1-1

On the brink of half time the prepubescent Nuna midfielder chortled his disagreement toward the ref saying “Sorry sir, but I believe the call you made just now was erroneous. As a result I would love to give you the opportunity to recall the previously mentioned error and mark a wrong a right”. This was of course HIS story; the ref heard otherwise and showed him a shiny piece of red card.

HALF TIME

Salivating at the weakened Nuna, one kid down, Coach Lundon took the lead from Napoleon Bonaparte screaming “ATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTACK” and so the AC revolution was launched in the form of a 4-4-2 line up.

The change took immediate effect with PLENTY of chances falling at the feet of the red and black juggernaut. Hendy was unlucky with his shot blazing over the bar. Then, not to be outdone Dennis launched a similar trajectory shot goal ward with the same result. Could these efforts be beaten??? Ahhhh, yep, in steps hot shoe shuffle Price. With the ball at his feet he did the Pricey shuffle (refer Riverdance for a visual) giving enough time for the entire 11 Nuna boys to form a wall and save on the goal line. Frustrated at someone, anyone or anything Ricardo raised his hands to gesticulate via the usual means; his impression of Jesus on the crucifix.

EVENTUALLY, with six minutes to go, reward! [Insert name here] plays the ball right to an awaiting Pete who pummelled the ball under the keeper and the “tanned” Northern Ireland lad is on the board for the Golden Croc.

Two minutes later, on the crest of a wave of adrenaline, the QE2 let ball run further away from goal (than anyone would) to buy him time to do an encore performance of the Pricey shuffle on the spot before FINALLY swinging his right Predator into the ball sailing it past the keeper; 3-1 and how it ended today.

AC Malvern 3 - 1 Nunawading WAY OUT OF THE City FC
Cresswell, Phillips, Price

Mannie's Man of the match: Mark Coulter
WAG'S Man of the match: Pete "ladies love me" Phillips

BITS & BOBS:
The Malvern Wags said the votes are in for the worst haircut of the year award which goes to the suburban lad from Nunawading City FC. This young lad gave the WAGs 90 minutes, actually 70 minutes of laughter and the picture, right, tells you why.

Hendy is yet to score this season. The Wee Weegie does not go goalless for too long. He's due, oh yes and due for a few. So take heed Old Camberwell Grammar bhoys, little Glasgow is about to POP!

A Malvernite lad may find himself on the cusp of greatness. You may know him as Pricey, the QE2 and some even call him the Prow….[oops, the legal team wont allow me to publish the last one in full]. The Price is going to leverage off the now legendary, yet comedic image of him throwing his arms up at random, creating his own clothing label. The soon to be released Savers label comes with the iconic image (pictured below) which some claim to be Air Jordan Mark II.

Calamity Games, or James

2010-04-21T20:43:00.009+10:00

A picture tells a thousand words, and given that I posted four pictures I thought I could get away without writing a match summary…..however a mailbox full of complaints would suggest otherwise.

Up a division and potentially suffering the effects of vertigo after reaching the dizzying heights of division two; the sweltering hot day started in not so AC fashion. Everyone arrived early and were on the pitch, dressed and ready to go more than fifteen minutes before the game – unheard of in season past. After the customary shots on goal, the lads stood around confused, not knowing to do with all this extra time. As stretching and warm ups are never an option, they boys were fortunate enough to have the WAGS (pictured left) turn out in force, giving plenty to distract their attention until kick off and beyond.

An intense and even battle was expected in front of the biggest crowd AC has ever seen at Central Park (if you include Golden Retriever Freddie Owen in the count, which I have).

From the off, “possession”( I use the term very loosely) was fairly balanced with not too many chances developing until just after midway through the first half. AC newbie, Marty Monster took the ball down the right side of the box, combining well with Jason to beat four defenders before the Irish duo combined. Jay sunk his boot into the ball sweetly crossing to the back post, where Colin Brien the divine leapt to head the ball into the back of the net; 1-0.

What followed was a forgettable debut for newly appointed goalkeeper Mr Wong who would have wished he was anywhere but at Central Park. The new AC keeper did his best at replicating some of David "Calamity" James best, hmmm, no worst form with great success. In fact, early on it was looking like former Victory keeper Michael Theoklitos’ Norwich City debut where he let in five goals before half time. The end result on this occasion was two goals to Caulfield and two contributions to these magnificent highlight packages:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fv5GMMBcGOs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4b7flwMTwM&feature=fvw

Once nerves abated, Rich Wong recovered composure and put much better second half performance.
The rest of the game was a balanced affair, if not slightly in favour of an impressive Malvern outfit. The scoresheet however was not kind and Caulfield would slot another home to be 3-1 up.

The lads at AC weren’t without their chances to balance the ledger or even sneak a victory, with Jason and Marty the main tormentors of Caulfield’s defence.

The Monster found himself one on one with the keeper and with a deft chip from outside the box at speed, lobbing him only to watch the ball sail agonisingly close, but sadly the wrong side of the crossbar. Jay fashioned many chances; one hitting the upright and another that only a spectacular save from the Grammarian keeper, diving right and low would stop.

And so it ended with the score at 3-1, and Malvern walked off to the plaudits of the WAGS, but with heads slung low thinking about the one that got away.

Facing the media for the first time this season, coach Norf Lundon had this to say ”They lost, not my fault. I gave them the formation and tools to win, but the twats couldn’t put it away, innit!”

Honourable mention must go to Captain Cresswell for not losing his cool despite being booted in the legsfour times in quick succession by a Grammarian.

AC Malvern 1 - 3 Caulfield Grammarians
Brien

Mannie Man of the Match (MMOM): Jason Byrne

WAGS Man of the Match (WMOM): Colin Brien

This week’s game:
A trip down the Eastern Freeway to Forrest Hill with a ridiculous early kick off of 11AM facing Nunawading City who were convincingly beat by South Yarra 5-1.

Round one - a pictorial

2010-04-19T20:31:00.007+10:00

A Hendy header heads wide....JUST

Dennis strikes a pose

Pete under pressure

Pete launches the ball forward

Pricey turns 'em inside out

Round one.....comes around too soon

2010-04-13T22:19:00.010+10:00

After what can only be described as a pathetic pre-season, AC Malvern go into round one completely under done having not touched a ball. Pre-season for most consisted of copious amounts of booze and fighting in bars a la Steven Gerrard; swinging punches at "victims" with the speed of stumbling drunk and in the eyes of the Police and FFV, not connecting. Seems only Joey Barton ever connects.

Round one is a repeat of last season where AC will line up against Caulfield Grammarians at the fortress that is Central Park. Coach Norf Lundon has announced the team to take the pitch saying "it's an attacking line up that I have complete faith in. We were unbeaten in the pre-season so you can't argue with that stat".

Sunday 18th April - 1 PM kick off
AC Malvern v Caulfield Grammarians
Central Park, Malvern

Line up:

Let the games begin!

2010-04-07T20:22:00.004+10:00

On the cusp of greatness, mentally prepared for a big season and for some, a last crack at the title; the lads of AC were dealt a heavy pre-season blow.

The FFV, following orders from the Sepp Blatter and fellow FIFA suits in Zurich, promoted the top four teams from season 2009. Under the new “Blatter-Gate” ruling AC squeezed into the top four with a narrow 3-2 win against Sandringham in the last round taking fourth on goal difference.

A late lobby and plea for compassion to the FFV fell on deaf ears. One now wonders whether the rumours of backroom dealings and bribery that had plagued Blatter during his 2002 quest for FIFA Presidency could be at play here. Let’s hope that Blatter doesn’t instigate his ideal for the fairer sex football this year and insist we “wear tighter shorts and low cut shirts... to create a more appealing aesthetic”. Somewhat contradictory, this flies in the face of his 2004 ruling which mandates cards for those who take their tops off, but maybe that’s just aimed at pasty white Northern Irish lads such as [name removed for legal reasons]. It seems Sepp Blatter is a complex man with twisted views.

Controversial administrator rulings and massive fee hikes aside AC lost a few good men over the summer; Gumby, gone to report on East Kilbride FC in Southern Glasgow; Simon i2.0 Talbot, searching for Kraft’s next big branding opportunity and club legends Engel and JT. New blood steps in and a changing of the guard may be the net result, but let’s pause for a moment and recognise the service of these great men and remember many of us would not have met if JT hadn’t started the club all those years ago. So, from all the boys past and present, thanks lads and you have each been added to the AC Malvern Hall of Fame.

The off season:
The very make up of the Malvern boys changed dramatically during the break. The core was previously single and drunk most of the time, but the hot sun and extra vitamin E has made them all a little soft.

The Wee Weegie, Hendo got himself married dressed in a skirt, sorry kilt. Steve showed shooting form far better than his penalty taking and got Sarah pregnant. Zoolander Dennis finally got himself out of his hospital bed just before Christmas and finds himself engaged. Others too have ditched the moniker of being “single” ensuring that we adopt the Peter Crouch ethos, that is; if we are rubbish on the pitch we will at least have the best looking WAG’s in the league, thus boosting attendance.

As far as training goes, in true Malvern fashion it has been light on to say the least. In fact, some may have put on a few kegs over the summer months with tops fitting a little tighter around the pudding and gravy as illustrated above right.

What lies ahead?
Promotion stirred the emotions of many, and after the melancholy past the road ahead doesn’t look so bad, does it? Sure, the lofty goals of a premiership for season 2010 may be tweaked just a little; however there will be a good bunch of lads on the park each week to enjoy the trials and tribulations ahead.

This Saturday marks the official start of the pre-season, one week out from season proper. The opponents are traditional pre season rivals, Moreland FC on the pool table smooth artificial pitches at the State Football Centre. This is the first hit out for few AC debutants, but importantly the first official appearance of the WAG’s (Malvernette’s) to distract opponents.

Season 2010 offers many challenges; filling the void left by the loss of club legends, tougher opponents and the arduous task of arranging suburban visiting visa’s for the trips out to Berwick, Nunawading, Wheelers Hill and Clayton. Ewwwwwww…..anyway, stay tuned for the journey of season 2010.

And the winner is.............

2009-09-11T15:58:00.016+10:00

AC Malvern's magnificent end of season awards night gala [version 2.0] was hosted my DJ Sparkles last night at the Yak Bar in Melbourne.

In a controversial move the event once again banned the WAGS from attending. Events spokes person, DJ Sparkles had this to say on the matter “Peeps, the WAGS weren’t banned, they were just not invited. Da boyyyyyyyyyyyyz wanted the attention focused solely on them as they walked the red carpet in front of the adoring media with all their bling - wickedy wack!”

Yet another successful event was the result with some unmentionable highlights and some unspeakable acts occurring in front of the watching cameras. That aside, the focus of the night was for the boys to let their hair down (for those who still have some) and the 2009 awards ceremony with the following players taking home the major prizes:

Golden Croc - Hendo
Player of the Year - Hendo
Most Improved - Twinkle toes Tim
Clubman of the year - Zoolander Dennis

A big thanks to DJ Sparkles for organising the event - top shelf work.

Hey now, hey now. Don't dream it's over....but it is!

2009-09-10T21:10:00.009+10:00

The late Bobby Robson was once quoted as saying “The first ninety minutes are the most important”, but for the now iconic AC Malvern, the last ninety minutes (of the season) was the most important. A win and a result going the right way would see the lads of AC finish the season in an unexpected fourth spot. This would be El Classico, a battle of the giants between AC in sixth and Sandy in fifth. A win was a must for both teams.

The FFV must have known how important this game would be and as a result scheduled a curtain raiser with U21 girls to warm up the crowd before the main event. If nothing else, the game certainly warmed up a few of the boy’s hearts with Sparky taking a particular shine to the giant at centre back.

A sane ref (although blind), check; AC lads willing, check and with that the game began on a very dusty midfield.

Three minutes into the game and it was clear AC meant business. A Sandy’s defender clearance found little Sparky and the result was a thunderous strike that found the post and he was denied the much deserved goal. The strike was that good that AC faithful on the sideline had thought it was Hendo who struck the ball, but no it was the wee left back – Mark.

A minute later a slick move down the left wing found the ball at the feet of, you guessed it, Mark “Wee Weegie” Henderson. Hendo cut the ball back inside to a salivating Colin who was perched in front of goal deep in the box and needed only fall on the ball to score. Unfortunately for him the ball found the only gap evident and slid through the back, but the luck of the Irish would prevail and Dennis was now on the end of the pass duly smashing the ball into the side net; 1-0.

In AFL parlances the boys from AC were “up and about” and dominating possession and control. The Sandy boys were already starting to get frustrated in front of the capacity crowd and decided to impose a physical presence on AC; however it all backfired when a not so scary right winger by the name of Dennis gave an ever so “slight” bump back. The result was a Sandy boy getting intimate with the Sandy pitch and hobbled off holding his pride and shoulder. To add insult to injury the menacing Damo went about his business in his usual (controlled) aggressive manner to disappointment and frustration of Sandy. Oscar Wilde couldn’t have put it much better when he said "Football is all very well as a game for rough girls, but is hardly suitable for delicate boys".

Much of the attacking came down the left wing with Sparky enjoying being out of left back and up the pitch, despite the nose bleeds. A regular feature was Owen to Nolan to Sparky to Price to the Sandy goal keeper. It was only a matter of time before one of these passing combinations would have some success.

Price was again involved with a one two with Cresswell. A yet to be confirmed report had the QE2 turn with the ball, believe it or not, to find Brendan who delivered a tasty through ball to a fast moving Glaswegian. Hendo would have found it hard to miss and he didn’t, slotting home his 14th goal for the season; 2-0.

A lucky break from a well taken corner resulted in a response from Sandy finding the back of the net; 2-1.

HALF TIME
The half time speech was measured, deliberate and inspiring from [insert name here]. “It’s been a long season and we deserve a beer, but let’s fight for our right to steal fourth spot. After the game we can worry about the beer which will taste ever so sweat after victory”.

A focused and determined AC bounced back into position eagerly thinking about the beer, I mean the second half and potential victory.

Hendo, looking to celebrate the golden croc award in style received the ball from Price outside the box, then making the defenders look like clowns he scored his fifteenth and final goal for the season. He was later quoted as saying “I went left, he went left, I went right, he went right, then I went left and he went to the hot dog van”; 3-1.

JT re-entered the fray, and unfortunately for him within ten seconds had given Sandy a penalty , his fourth for the season, quickly earning himself the label as AC bad boy especially when adding his extensive multi colour card collection for the season.

The penalty taken and not even Oliver Kahn could stop this one; 3-2 and AC were looking shaky, but not a good shaky like the shaky kids get after school.

A nervous and panic ridden AC lost dominance and were defending feverishly. Sandy was certainly looking most like scoring and with free kick after free kick they were getting closer to the mark. The pie eating, AC kicking, British born, Sandy number 10 (what is it with opposition number 10’s?) let fly a super sweet strike that was curling into the goal. Then from nowhere a leaping Con beautifully denied the larger lad and his team mates the goal and the draw. The final whistle sounded not long after and Con had saved the game and confirmed fifth spot for AC depending on other results.

History would tell us now that the co-tenants, Central Park Rangers, would do the right thing beating SKevs 8-1 and the Bhoys from AC would finish in fourth spot for the year.

AC Malvern 3 - 2 Sandringham
Golden Croc boy 2, Zoolander

All that remains now is the post season celebrations starting with the awards nights on Friday where the following awards are up for grabs:
- Golden Croc [sealed by Hendo with 15 goals]
- Player of the year
- Most improved
- Clubman award
- Pants award

Then it's off to Sydney for the end of season trip for this lot to watch the Soccerwhos vs. the Dutch

Bonkers

2009-09-05T15:15:00.003+10:00

Two games to go and relegation avoided which is considered a moderate success given the cellar dweller status at the half way mark. Now, with momentum on their side AC had sights on a loftier goal; mid table mediocrity or shudder the thought, even higher. Standing in their way was 180 minutes of football; the first 90 facing St Kevs. Last time AC played St Kevs, for those whose memory needs a jolt was the (now) comical game where three penalties were missed and an undeserved draw the result.

The game started and this little green man has seen some things in his time, but never have I seen a referee trying to antagonise players. Using a rock hard ball supplied by St Kevs Brazilian import, players were nearly knocked out going for headers and feet near broken when kicking. Both teams were united in a request to switch balls……3, 2, 1…..BOOM!!! The ref lost his s*** yelling at Steve calling him back to yell some more. After what seemed an eternity of stupidity the ref had handed out a couple of yellow cards and both teams stood, stunned looking for the cameras as they thought they were part of Ashton Kutcher’s Punked. It was later discovered that the refs pre-game consisted of singing the following;

Some people fink I’m bonkers,
But I just fink I’m free
Man, I’m just livin’ my life
There’s nufink crazy about me
BONKERS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ci40ae8BlcE

Normal service resumed, albeit silently and a long through ball to a vacant right wing and a rampaging Zoolander utilised all his catwalk training to move in a straight line quicker and more stylishly than his opponent, then unlike the real Zoolander, managed to turn left inside, past his opponent and slide the ball across to the QE2. Pricey’s first attempt was saved, but the follow up, obviously not requiring a turn, was sweetly struck and found it’s way into the net; 1-0.

As subscribers to this service would know it’s the AC way to then let in a goal in response, and to their credit they didn’t disappoint today. The lengths AC would go to in order to keep the tradition is outstanding, slotting in the goal themselves, own goal; 1-1.

AC had SKevs covered all over the park and was only a matter of time before they turned the domination into goals. SKevs were faltering as evidenced by the next bonkers play. A soundly struck corner from Cresswell sailed into the box for a clear defensive header for SKevs; however either by luck or stupidity the ball was headed goal-ward and found the back of the net. Another own goal and 2-1 to Malvern.

It wouldn’t be an AC game if there wasn’t a Hendo piece of magic and today was no different. Hendo took a corner and delivered a shot pass to Byrne. A delicate 1-2 between the Celtic duo and the ball was back at the feet of the Glaswegian wizard. Charging at the defender, Hendo danced around him before unleashing a thunderbolt into the side net from then opposite corner of the box; 3-1.

The job looked just about done as SKevs had dropped their heads and headed for the shed for half time.

HALF TIME

With the result never really in doubt the second half was all about counting down the 45 minutes until the final whistle, hoping to get through without another card from the ref. In fact much of the half time conversation centred around how to get through the half without making eye contact with the ref.

The last significant event of the match saw the housemates worked in tandem again, this time on the left. Dennis passed the ball in the Price direction, however missed the target. The QE2 then stole the ball back before moving into the box and crossing for an incoming [insert name here]. Once again, the defender intercepted, however this time after sinking the boot in he did the impossible and curled the ball into the top right corner for another own goal; 4-1 and that’s all she wrote and this bizarre day when there were more own goals than actual intentional goals. BONKERS!!!!

In what can only be described as the two most bizarre games of the season, both resulted in three missed penalties and three own goals. That my friends is a statistical anomaly. Now, only 90 minutes remains in the 2009 season and only Sandringham stand in the way of AC finishing as high as fourth. Good luck boys!

AC Malvern 4 - 1 SKevs
2 Own goal, Price, Hendo

Piste, or pissed....you decide

2009-09-01T20:24:00.005+10:00

With half the team off-piste and off pissed in New Zealand, AC fielded a new/old-look side for the clash with title-chasing Booroondara.

Into the side came ring-in revelations Jason and Col, Duncan Winton who has abandoned us for a Masters club (he wants to play with some younger blokes) and AC’s second-favourite purveyor of haggis and kilts, Brian McChristie.

Yet again, the game began with a howling northerly wind and AC were quickly into our customary backs-against-the-wall siege mode.

It wasn’t pretty, but the back four’s cunning mix of wild hacks, skewed clearances and flailing legs affected Booroondara’s composure and the game settled into a pitched battle in AC’s last eighth.

Inevitably, the home team found the net - sparking a booming motivational monologue from their skipper-cum-Eastend fish-monger. It was a deflating end to a period of sustained pressure and no doubt the shivering handful of spectators sensed a goal tsunami was on the way.

However there are two things that AC can promise in any given game. One; JT will tell an opponent how very ugly he is, (in this case, a chap whose bright orange hair clashed awfully with his purple Booroondara strip) and two; going a goal down will break the shackles of apathy.

And so with Jason B and Duncan dominating the midfield, AC put together a slick move that culminated in a superb finish from Simon.

1-1 and the tiny crowd was witness to the rarest of sporting moments – a warm high-five between a Celtic man (Hendy) and a Rangers tragic (Brian).

Our equaliser not only motivated our opponents, it sparked a strange change in the referee who began to act, and officiate, in a disturbingly erratic way. This previously-genial silver-haired gent began to argue with players, waited several minutes to call fouls and then hallucinated a handball on the edge of the area.

The resultant free kick was duly converted, but with our midfield humming and Ralpha providing a masterclass in the art of subtle deflections, flicks and back-of-the-scone headers, we felt we were good for an equaliser.

No-one, however, could have predicted the quality of the answer. Latching onto yet another Jason B pass, Hendy performed a series of jinks and feints that left their defenders with what the South Americans poetically describe as ‘twisted blood’.

It was clearly the goal of the season and answered some lingering questions regarding his origins. Hendy is clearly the bastard love-child of Rudolph Nureyev and Harry Houdini.

After such a spectacular high, the final stanza of the first half delivered a succession of corresponding lows. A corner that drifted serenely into the net while we all stood watching was followed by their only truly legitimate goal which was then followed by us hitting the upright twice in five minutes.

At half time, the moral scoreboard read AC 3, Booroondara 1. The far more annoying actual scoreboard read AC 2 Booroondara 4.

The purple ponces began the second half with the swagger of a team that believed it had the points in the bag. The fact they were right doesn’t mean it wasn’t annoying though, and we launched into the last 45 with renewed vigour.

Our cause was boosted by the on-field appearance of AC’s resident hard-man and scholar of arcane mediaeval history – JT.

We’re still waiting for the day that he combines his specialities – ‘you’re uglier than a latrine vassal in the court of King Richard the 3rd!’ – but had to be content with his uncompromising attack on the ball.

While JT added some steel on the wing, JB was pure silk in the midfield. Having initiated a passing move at the halfway line, he brilliantly followed through to side-foot us back into contention.

He was again at the heart of our next scoring move – an incisive probe down the right wing which was followed by a swinging cross, followed by something I can’t remember, but culminating in a bulging net.

Suddenly it was 4-4, the crowd had stopped watching the cricket match on the adjoining ground and all was set for a spectacular climax. A few moments later, Richard Owen cracked home another – his 17th of the season he later reported – only to have the ref rule it out.

While we continued to attack, our adrenaline tide was receding and the toll of such an end-to-end game was extracted. First, man-of-the-match Jason B went down with what looked like a serious knee/hammy.

His countryman Col was next to go with a groin/thigh and JT was clearly hampered by his old Achilles/calf. Over on the left wing Brian was afflicted by age/no stamina.

Sadly, and against the run of play, Booroondara scored their fifth, prompting Con to deliver a fiery sermon to Ren. Then JT looked the wrong way at an opponent and the now clinically-insane ref pointed to the penalty spot.

In it flew and out went any chance of sharing the points.

During the gloomy post-mortem it was decided that our main problem was not failing to train, fitness or the absence of most of the team; it was that unlike our opponents, we don’t have a club song.

Just imagine the thrill of not only winning, but getting to huddle in a stinking mass to sing a soaring victory anthem such as Wind Beneath My Wings, Tainted Love or Nine Inch Nails’ Closer .

So; the challenge of the next fortnight is clear: earn enough points to avoid relegation and come up with a song to fuel our 2010 campaign.

AC Malvern 4 - 6 Eagles
Goals: JB 2, McHoudini, Simon T

the cup did runith over.....with rain and spite!

2009-09-01T20:22:00.006+10:00

Grumble, grumble……now much has been made about the lack of content, or void in people’s lives as a result of failure to post a regular and timely update on AC Malvern’s performances. Countless letters, such as the example below, flood my inbox daily:

“Dear Gumby,

What is going on? Why do you do this to me? You know my life (and that of my hot friends) revolves around reading the tales of the striking bunch of lads at AC Malvern and their successes on the pitch.
Now, on the topic of striking footballers; when are you releasing your swimwear calendar of you and the boys?

Totally yours
[Name suppressed]”

Match day:
Karma’s a bitch. In recent weeks I have reported how Mother Nature was in fact that, a bitch, and how she rained down upon thee with great fury. Well, I have learnt a valuable lesson that I’ve been told for years, but have never listened and that is hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. You see, payback is a bitch and Mother Nature unleashed some of her best work on the lads as they arrive to battle it out for the McRopod Cup. Teaming rain, howling gales and cold conditions waited all those brave enough to take the pitch. In fact, in the shadows of the start of the Premier League season we were kindly reminded of what our country’s “founders” would have to deal during an English “summer”. I now offer an official apology to the lovely, and importantly, ever present Mother Nature.

Now, on with the match report……

The lads of AC were fighting two battles on a day more suited to staying indoors in front of an open fire. Battle one was winning a trophy to salvage something from this car wreck of a season, and two was to free themselves from the embarrassment of relegation. So, plenty rode on this week’s game, with a draw, at worst, a must!

You know what, such is the pain that the memories of this match release, that my psychologist forbids me to “re-live” them in any form. So I will keep the details as brief as possible in order to reduce the pain and ultimately the medical bills.

With rain pouring onto the pitch slowly turning it into a swimming pool (pictured left), the plucky older gents of Rangers managed to drive a wooden stake into the hearts of the adoring fans slotting home two first half goals. The usual suspect was responsible; Lars, the gifted Swede who dealt the killer blows in the first leg.

Annie once sang “The sun will come out, tomorrow”, but today it came out for the second half and with it the hopes of AC rose.

With the crack of the dominatrix whip, the power had shifted and AC pulled their collective heads out their a** and managed repeated attacks on goal. With effort comes reward and young Hendo, the hater of the Glaswegian Rangers, began his enslaught. The now familiar tune would play through the stands; “he went this way, then that way – they went that way, then this way. Hail to the goal score, goal scorer man” and Hendo duly slotted the ball into the back of the net. Spirit and passion was re-ignited and the ball was hitting the AC box like planes crashing at Pearl Harbour. Soon enough the impenetrable defence would let up and another would get through………well the laws of statistics would suggest so.

With time and light fading and the Rangers tiring, Pricey gathered the ball in side the half, strode down and barrelled in a cross. A deft header by Dennis flicked the ball onto the awaiting Hendo who had no problem slotting it home, ultimately proving the geeky statisticians right. 2-2 with five minutes to go. Would it be long enough?

Tensions rose as the end was near and Twinkle Toes Tim found himself at the end of some hefty words and threats on his life from the irate spittle spreading dragon that was Rangers number 10.

Unfortunately for AC, post entanglement between Tim and #10, time did run out and the draw wasn’t enough to relinquish the McRopod Cup from the steely grip of the Rangers. Such was the confidence of the Rangers though that they didn’t even bring the cup to the ground for it to be presented.

Post match Tim & Co were forced to hug it out Ari Gold style in order to maintain the cuddly and warm relationship between the clubs.

Now every cloud has a silver lining and despite the fight, the draw and the rain the boys of AC managed to confirm their place in the division for another year.

AC Malvern 2 – 2 Rangers
2 He who hates (Glasgow) Rangers

I now put my cap in hand and ask for donations to pay for the four extra sessions required to get over re-living that.....Cheques can be made payable to "the plastic fantastic"

The return leg..........Can we do it?....yes we can!

2009-08-12T20:52:00.004+10:00

It's on again, the much anticipated return leg of the biggest rivalry in sport; the Mc Ropod Cup, between the red and black of AC Malvern and blue and white of Rangers from Central Park in Malvern.

Last time these teams met, AC were out of form and struggling losing to a rampaging Rangers 2-1, with Zoolander Dennis the loan goal scorer for the away team.

This time however; AC have hit some form and are on the way up, entering the game as, dare I say it, favourites.

To steal a line from the movie Moulin Rouge, this will be "Spectacular, spectacular" and all are encouraged, even begged to get down and see the events unfold.

The match details are as follows:

AC Malvern v Central Park Rangers

Central Park - The fortress

Cnr Burke and Wattletree Roads, Malvern

Kick off - 1 PM

So come one, come all and get amongst the capacity crowd to see two teams go head to head for sports poorest prize purse - The Mc Ropod Cup

What's up for grabs, besides pride? the trophy, pictured left as donated by Alan.

They know we're coming.....

2009-08-12T20:00:00.010+10:00

11 goals in two weeks, and one of the best for and against records in a log-jammed ladder. Teams that dubbed the Malvernians the ‘easy beats’ are now on notice –

The AC Malvern juggernaut has rolled into town.

The boys from Central Park smelt blood in the water last week, and duly delivered a win for the ages in their 5-2 humiliation of the highly fancied Old Melburnian’s. Truth be told, it should’ve been a bigger margin – which spelt trouble this week, for the last placed Old Trinity.

Where AC started with healthy numbers, including three on the pine, Old Trinity assembled something more like an England World Cup Squad. In 1998, one had to feel for poor old Paul Gascoigne when he was culled by manager Glenn Hoddle on the eve of the cup – a travesty given the old blighty turned around and took three goalkeepers!

The ‘T’ (I know, I know, I can’t f*cking believe it either – another gay euphemism/acronym to call a team by!) were similarly generous with player numbers, though one sh*t keeper was more than enough. Fair dinkum, even their reserves seem to have reserves.

See pic below - I’d hate to draw the short straw and have to wash that kit

Form, ladder positioning and expectation aside, AC were well aware that Old Trinity were one of the(many) teams they’d capitulated to in the first half of the season. A 3-4 loss from memory. Such is the nature and unpredictability of this league’s high standard, they weren’t to be taken lightly.

One would be forgiven in thinking AC had dabbled in the mother of all experiments with marksmen Hendy starting in the No. 1 shirt. Despite Richard Owen’s pleas, and plausible goal scoring argument, things didn’t turn completely mad, and he started down back as usual. From the kickoff AC Malvern looked hungry and everyone wanted a piece of Old Trinity pie. Last week’s polished passing movements continued which ultimately involved every AC Malvern player around the ball or in space, feeding that appetite. With a strong breeze in their favour, Trinity, when in possession, sent the ball long which resulted in an instant turnover of possession. That and the AC back four, five if you include the Higuita-esque goalkeeping of Hendy, who were fortress-like in their repelling of the ambitious style of attack.

“Keep it simple, stupid” has been the AC mandate of late, and that cognition was embraced from start to finish here. A basic passing movement from the backline and out wide repeatedly stretched the Trinity midfield who seemed hell-bent on attacking from every possession they had, even if camped inside their own half. Playing like this, it was clear that they weren’t going to be able to adequately defend the AC Malvern soccer machine that kept the ball on the deck, and swiftly moving forward. AC edged closer to goal, and Trinity scrambled troops back to cover. If the barrage wasn’t coming from the left via Tim, Damo, Pete, you could count on a neat wide ball from Ren to Jason or Pete, looking for the QE2 or Steve in between defenders. Trinity did make positive inroads forward of their own, but the counter was proving crucial through the run of Brendan and co. Coupled with the fact the aerial contest was being dominated the AC talls.

Ten or so minutes in, and AC had had as many attacks at goal than it usually gets in one outing, strangely though, no genuine shots to speak of so far. Now, this is where Gumby plays it smart and writes [insert name here], which I failed to do last week resulting in a lambasting of massive proportions and ultimate punishment from the master, which he assured hurt him more than it did me – jury’s out.

So, a lighting fast passing movement which started wide left and was steered up the centre of the park found it’s way to who lobbed a sweet cross in the path of Steve (pen) to perfectly volley home. 1 nil, and the lads were away.

The tight formation continued to hold its shape in both attack and defence with more attacking raids out wide taking place. Conversely, the runs up the centre of the park from Trinity were well tracked and deviated away by some rugged and determined AC midfield defensive pressure.

Another passing movement resulted in another run into enemy territory, this time straight up the guts, and this time it was AC who used the wind to their advantage as Pricey put a ball over the top of the Trinity defence which held up perfectly for Steve (pen) to find himself in an almost identical position from just moments earlier, stealing a couple more yards closer to goal this time. A flailing Trinity goalkeeper came bounding out to block the shot and instead collected Steve in what was an act of sheer genius on several levels:

1. In collecting Steve in the head he didn’t even get a card, let alone give away a penalty or free kick.
2. In delivering a mega dead leg on Steve with his knee the keeper didn’t even…..(see above).
3. The County Court this morning cleared the keeper of attempted murder; and most significantly
4. The check on Steve caused him to send his shot just inches wide.

One nil it remained.

A rather bashful keeper (he was a decent bloke really!) took the ensuing goal kick which barely cleared the grass, an almost impossible feat given the aptly dubbed ‘billiard table’ we had the luxury of playing on. (Love to see him have a go at goal kicks at Central Park this time of year!). The ball was shifted around with ease by the AC Malvern midfielder, Pete who put the QE2 into space, and it was plain sailing (pun intended) as he finished the voyage goal ward euphorically ala Diane Brimble (ok, I know I’m going to hell for that one).

Two nil after half an hour, and the boys were smoking! AC charged on with the popular return of Coults after a lengthy self imposed suspension for breaking team curfew and doing his groin on the dance floor. Trinity made changes (about 47 of them) of their own, complemented by a different tactic much to the displeasure of an honest, hardworking AC outfit. A more physical attack begun to unsettle AC, as the referee, who had less to say than Marcel Marceau (pictured right), let the top heavy challenges pass his attention.

It was clear that Trinity’s frustration was resulting in some pretty unfair tactics on and off the ball, but AC hung in there, and when needed mirrored some of this ugly football. As a result, the standard of football gradually started to diminish, coupled with tiring legs. AC gave a few silly free kicks away, in dangerous territory, as a result of some of the IOU return-fire on the ‘T’. A couple of goalmouth scrambles, close corners and free kicks had AC well and truly having their mettle tested. Still they hung on for that elusive clean first half sheet. After JT received his token yellow card for the afternoon, another free kick was safely ensconced by the ever reliable (and apparently once highly regarded in the No. 1 shirt) keeper in Hendy. More attacks had AC clearing the area and they’d just started to lose their way a little. Finally, Trinity’s closest goal scoring chance was brilliantly saved by a diving Hendy who turned the ball round the bottom right side post. Half time was the best thing to happen to an AC Malvern who’d used up a lot of petrol, and the worst thing for a stuttering Old Trinity who were beginning to display glimpses of their best, yet had nothing to show for it.

2nd half

The halftime message was simple: Do not try and defend a lead. Actually, it was “no silly lunging challenges”, but for AC mercenary JT to be the one delivering such a steadfast message seemed absurd – kind of like leaving Dracula in charge of the blood bank.

Hendy got reacquainted with his No. 9 shirt, and hurled the gloves to Richard Owen for a stint in between the posts. Coult’s quickly re-established himself as both a solid rebounding defender and an annoying little sh*t to opposition forwards. He would even test referee Marcel’s patience and cure his inaudibility, and receive a written (wouldn’t wanna pull a vocal chord) warning from the man in black and the mime that accompanied the warning was translated like so:

REF: blow his whistle and sternly looked at coults instructed him to cut it out and to stop swearing!

COULTS: strongly denied such allegations, but just let it go as it the ref was getting silly! [post script to come later]

AC started the second stanza in the same fashion that they started the first – dominantly. More space seemed to be on offer for those wanting to use it, and use it they did. Pete, Brendan and Jason repeatedly slid through balls into chasms you could roll the actual QE2 through, and goal scoring opportunities were going to be plentiful for Hendy and co. After a lengthy stint buzzing around the Trinity 18 yard box, Steve (pen) found space but on a tight angle, made the wise call to lay the ball off for a rampaging JT to drill the ball into the roof of the net.

Three nil, it was now about goal average, and with that thought the lads were on the same page.
Trinity, well and truly on the back foot and with a massive deficit to address were forced to try and turn defence into attack whenever in possession. Sound defending by the AC tail ensured that was short lived and the ball stayed put – in the Old Trinity half. A superb flick from Jason found Hendy into space who did was he does best. 4 nil, pop the champagne and put the witches hats out.

Well aware of complacency, and still possessing a desire to put the opposition to the sword, AC were relentless in both winning the contested ball and using it effectively – probably the most encouraging thing for the AC lads to take away given the game was well and truly over. With confidence at the pointy end, AC continued to chip the ball around, move for one another and talk. Another overlap presented, and the QE2 was put into a hole who poked (c’mon Pricey, admit it – that was a toe-bash) from point blank range to nail his second. AC had barely made it back to their own half for the resumption of play when, Hendy, not to be outdone stepped around the back 8 and slotted a 6th past a buggered goalkeeper.

A clean sheet, and a right-royal touch up: something we haven’t had too many of this year, 2 on the trot, and momentum going into next weeks Round 2 clash with Central Park Rangers: The McRopod Cup

C’mon boys, we’ve turned the corner now, early night Saturday and this one’s ours for the taking lads!

AC Malvern 6 - 0 Old Trinity

Hendo 2, Pricey 2, Cresswell, JT

The Post Script:

You may remember from earlier in the piece an "incident" between the little lad Coults and the mime that was the ref, well, there's more:

After the match Coults approached the ref to ensure him that he must have misheard him due to his accent and that he was encouraging and not swearing.

The ref then accepted that he did not swear and expanded to tell him that he blew up because he was “in danger of getting his team mates too excited” and someone was going to get hurt! Coults, ever the gentleman and lover, not fighter, explained how as long as he doesn’t swear or insight "bother", he can gee up the lads as much as he wants!!

MM retorted by saying that it wasn’t fair as we were already 6-0 up and it was hurtful towards the opposition??!!!

A big case of WTF???

Momentum; it has to start somewhere.......

2009-08-10T18:03:00.005+10:00

As the sun rose from the east we were greeted with a sunny, but yet another f’n windy day. This little green man has come to the conclusion that Melbourne is Australia’s version of Chicago: the windy city.

With trees once again horizontal from the bitch that is Mother Nature, the mighty AC packed their bags and headed for the leafy surrounds of Toorak to face Old Melburnians’. The last time these two teams met; OM’s were victorious (4-1), I labelled them as nice blokes, Coults popped his groin and Terry Wallace was sacked after a guest coaching spot. What exciting tales would today bring?

The first challenge was would AC be able to field a team? The net result of player apathy, late arrivals, injuries and late night loan deal negotiations resulted in AC being able fill the quota of 11 men, just!

Now every game is important, but this was one where AC needed a result in order to extricate them from the cellar (cohabitating with the gimp) and strive for a reasonable finishing position despite a disastrous season to-date.

Cresswell’s inspiring team management and position selections netted results early. AC, defending an early OM’s corner, cleared the ball out to the wee weegie Hendo, turns and burns before a flick out to the QE2 who fortunately wasn’t required to turn. Price then ran with the ball past a couple of shadows and without looking thumped the ball with the outside of his foot down the park and into the path of a rampaging Jason. The Republic of Ireland international nods the ball down then takes control, runs at, then around the keeper to slot in goal number one in his AC career; 1-0.

Watching Hendo with the ball is like watching an adult playing keepings off with a five year old. It’s funny, but slightly embarrassing for all involved. So, in what has become a well scripted move; Hendo runs at the defenders, turning them this way, then that until they are so confused that they don’t even know their own name. Next he courteously steps past them, plays a through ball to himself just to extract some fluid from the opposition and slots it past the keeper; 2-0.

Now, I still don’t quite understand this logic, but when AC get two goals to the good, they get nervous, loose at the back and are slightly manic in their panic. This is when the opposition usually takes advantage of the confusion and slots home a goal. Today was no different as a corner resulted in a header from the back post ruffling the net; 2-1.

HALF TIME

Now kicking with the wind and sports gels starting to take effect on their systems AC marched out for the second half full of confidence. The confidence may have been linked to the arrival of another player in JT, and a Referee to oversee proceedings.

Rich Owen had put his hand up to play in goal for the second half, but didn’t take much convincing to allow Steve to mind the nets for the rest of the game. Once again, Steve’s managerial wizardry would have a positive effect.

An AC corner was cleared to the top of the box; Owen, with his back to goals drags the ball into his control, before turning his loping frame and striking the ball goal wards. The keeper managed to let the ball trickle through his legs and Owen had his first goal for the season; 3-1.

AC, were now dominating proceedings; JT was flexing his muscles with his usual tackling style, Iva was been threatened by defenders with his death, and Hendo, Byrne and Price were dancing though the midfield. OM’s had mentally lost it.

The Wee Weegie was anxious to capitalise on a lacklustre OM’s, and it wasn’t long before a through ball found Hendo at speed. In typical Hendo fashion he stepped around a few and slotted Malvern’s fourth; 4-1.

OM’s regained some pride with a cracking strike from outside the box that would have left even Van Der Sarr flailing in goal; 4-2.

The boys from Malvern were now keen on destroying OM’s to reverse the ledger from the first leg. A corner would be just the tonic to put the final nail in the coffin. A beautifully placed kick, found the nimble defender, Owen streaming in at the back post. Owen, using his beer belly (pictured right) to control the ball then strikes the ball past the keeper finding the top of the net and his second goal for the game. Certainly a wise decision to leave him out of goals; 5-2.

OM’s had well and truly dropped their bundle now, and stopped running. AC continued to surge forward, but just couldn’t get a sixth. Most notable of the efforts was a thunderous strike form the corner of the box from Zoolander, which just clipped the cross bar.

Senior and respected player, JT, mentioned in the rooms after the game “that win was worth a lot today”, to which a numbers driven geek who shall remain nameless responded “yep, a lot, three points by my calculations”......smart ar**

All lovers of statistics would be very interested in a comment made by the QE2, who pointed out “We’ve lost to all the teams that we beat in the first half and beaten all the teams we lost to”. So, on that premise we should look forward to a very successful second half of the season given that we lost a lot of games in the first half.

AC Malvern 5 - 2 Old Melbournians

Hendo 2, Owen 2, Jason